I worked from home today because I couldn't bear the thought of trying to get through another day at that place. It's not as dire as I make it sound, but given that I have the option to work from home, I indulged myself today. It's kind of nice. I'm sitting in a nice, warm quiet house, the kid is at school and the wife left for work. still have my comfy clothes on, the fireplace is going, and it's snowing a bit outside.
My head still feels like it's all over the place though, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to share tomorrow. Part of staying home today is to keep me safe in my cocoon. Having the internal fight 'to talk or not to talk tomorrow'. I hate that fight, although I'm honestly not sure which side I'd prefer to always be on.
I sometimes say to L that I don't want to have certain needs, like needing a connection, it's too intense for me, it's too hard and it hurts too much. I tell her that my goal is to not need people. And of course she thinks just the opposite. Needing people is innate, it's who I am, I just need to accept it. And if I'm in a particular frame of mind I would agree with her, but today I'm not there, but I'm not quite at the opposite end of the spectrum either. I think this is what some call 'limbo', or to be overly dramatic, 'hell'.