M and I had couples counseling with L at noon, and I'm not even sure if I was present. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to 'be' with L, so I guess that's where I was. But I think I zoned-out most of the time, or sort of removed myself. I couldn't even look at L, it was like I was trying to punish her, yet at the same time I wanted to get her attention.
One of the things that was sort of interesting was that M had me pegged. She knew I was not quite there, and even when I denied it she called me on it, she said I was just faking it, and I was. Then L picked up on M always trying to pry info out of me, and me resisting. So I know that I continue to repeat my bad habits with both M and L. I guess I'm a classic case, very text book like.
I kept looking at my watch, something I never do. But I just needed to survive the session.
The weird part is that M and I are actually making really good progress, despite the weird crap that goes on in my head. It's amazing how much this entire life altering process is affecting us, our relationship, and how much old stuff we both bring with us. Just the 'simple' process of selling the house has brought up all kinds of stuff.
You see I'm a thrower-outer and M is a keeper. We have a basement, actually a whole household full of stuff that we don't use, that we haven't touched in the 7 years we've lived in our house. So initially M and I would struggle on the approach to take to de-clutter the house, and many times our 'discussions' would lead to fights and hurt feelings. Talking with L about this has helped tremendously. There's a lot of emotional ties to 'stuff' and it brings up other major life changes and how they turned out. It's been extremely helpful to get past the initial issue to discover and work through what really is going on.
So that's been my day today. I see L in the morning and I'm still not sure how I'll be. When do I start acting like a normal person?