Monday, October 19, 2015

I'm still all over the place. Pretty much sad all the time, like an undercurrent that's always there. It's not a depression like side though, it's definitely a loss-type feeling. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. Not even for my father's death, my mother's death, or even my 15 month old nephew's death. My wife is very worried about me. This news has taken us both by surprise. I'm trying to be conscious about not crawling inside myself, but old habits are very hard to resist.

I've texted L a few times since, but I haven't found any relief with our exchanges. She hasn't been consistent with her responses, even taken up to 2 days to respond, even though she told me she was around and welcomed my texts. I try to be an adult and understand that she has a lot going on, including moving to her newly renovated home, but it still hurts. I wonder if her lack of response is maybe due to her health, maybe another heart attack? Then I think she just wants to shut me out, she doesn't want to, or can't handle my anger.

It really sucks that I can no longer fool myself, I never meant anything to her. We kidded once about her adopting me, I know it was said in jest, but there is/was a part of me that hung in to that.

I keep replaying in my head how she told me. I wasn't there more than 5 minutes. We started with the basic nicities, and then she looked at me and said she had to tell me something that she knew I wouldn't like. She had accepted another position.

Everything stopped. My world stopped. My mind actually went black. It was like standing in a small room and someone shut off the lights, *click*, and then total blackness. Not even a fade to black, it was immediate. Nothing good was ever going to happen again.

No comments:

Post a Comment