I didn't go in., There were a lot of things playing in my head on the way down, and the more I drove the deeper I retreated. My wife knew. I had told her earlier that I was too angry at L. I told M that I didn't think I could handle another letdown from L. And I also told her that I was sure that I didn't matter much to L or should would have planned this out better, and considered my feelings more.
Needless to say it was a long two hour drive down. I didn't say a word, I just seethed. M tried to fill the dead air with conversation but it really didn't alleviate any of the crap that was floating around.
When we finally got there M asked if I was going in. I told her I couldn't decide, I was so torn. I sort of wanted to but I wouldn't let myself. In thinking about it later on I admitted to myself that I just wanted to inflict some pain on L. I wanted her to feel the anguish I felt. I wanted her to worry about me. Of course I know that never happened. And I also knew I was replaying a common occurrence with my mother.
I sat outside. First in the car, then I paced outside for a while. Certainly hoping the entire time that L would come down and talk with me. I sat on some stairs, across from the door, waiting. I knew I was testing her, and I also knew that she always failed my tests. She failed, but I lost.
An hour later M emerged from the front door, for a second my heart had hoped that L was behind her, but I knew.
L never came down.
I was furious and crushed all at the same time. Of course I didn't have any right to be. I paused, thinking I should go up, but then quickly drove out of the parking lot, didn't want to give myself any time to think it over. I even stopped one more time about 1/4 mile up, but then sped off.
I started to choke up and cry. I starting bamboozling M with questions, including why didn't L come down. Which she correctly stated that I told her that I didn't want to talk to L. The anger continued to rise, I could physically feel it starting in my gut and working it's way up. I spewed all kinds of nasty, twisted things about L to M, she just let me rant. Then M foolishly tried to understand what was going for me. Where did all this anger come from? She said she figured I was feeling abandoned, but L would still be around she stated, I could still see her, and not pay for it(M's words)!
And you know what happened next? I let my vulnerability come thru. I was able to explain the loss I was feeling. The love I had for L and how much pain I was in. It took a bit. I even told M that I knew that I had made much progress with L, and part of the reason was the closeness and connectedness that we shared.
I have worked with many other therapist with no real movement, but I also never experienced the same type of relationship. I am at a different place than when I first started with L. Unfortunately her leaving also caused me deep, gut wrenching pain. It's like two sides of the same coin. M truly got that, and me.
Since that conversation last night I have thanked M numerous times. Thanked her for letting me rant, thanked her for trying to understand what I was going through, and thanked her for letting me feel that closeness with her again.
I texted L this morning:
Me: I'm sure I'll come around...but it really does suck to feel like I'm chasing someone
L: Really sorry you didn't come in last night missed you. I look forward to you getting more balanced with this.
I'm mostly ok with her response, although I really didn't like 'you getting more balanced', like this is all self inflicted and her hands are clean.....still more angry crap for me to figure out. I haven't let it ruin my day completely, but I know I've got more to go.