Friday, October 30, 2015

I didn't go in.,   There were a lot of things playing in my head on the way down, and the more I drove the deeper I retreated.  My wife knew.  I had told her earlier that I was too angry at L.  I told M that I didn't think I could handle another letdown from L. And I also told her that I was sure that I didn't matter much to L or should would have planned this out better, and considered my feelings more.

Needless to say it was a long two hour drive down.  I didn't say a word, I just seethed.  M tried to fill the dead air with conversation but it really didn't alleviate any of the crap that was floating around.

When we finally got there M asked if I was going in.  I told her I couldn't decide, I was so torn. I sort of wanted to but I wouldn't let myself.  In thinking about it later on I admitted to myself that I just wanted to inflict some pain on L.  I wanted her to feel the anguish I felt. I wanted her to worry about me. Of course I know that never happened.  And I also knew I was replaying a common occurrence with my mother.

I sat outside.  First in the car, then I paced outside for a while.  Certainly hoping the entire time that L would come down and talk with me.  I sat on some stairs, across from the door, waiting. I knew I was testing her, and I also knew that she always failed my tests.  She failed, but I lost.

An hour later M emerged from the front door, for a second my heart had hoped that L was behind her, but I knew.

L never came down.

I was furious and crushed all at the same time.  Of course I didn't have any right to be.  I paused, thinking I should go up, but then quickly drove out of the parking lot, didn't want to give myself any time to think it over. I even stopped one more time about 1/4 mile up, but then sped off.

I started to choke up and cry.  I starting bamboozling M with questions, including why didn't L come down.  Which she correctly stated that I told her that I didn't want to talk to L.  The anger continued to rise, I could physically feel it starting in my gut and working it's way up.  I spewed all kinds of nasty, twisted things about L to M, she just let me rant.  Then M foolishly tried to understand what was going for me.  Where did all this anger come from?  She said she figured I was feeling abandoned, but L would still be around she stated, I could still see her, and not pay for it(M's words)!

And you know what happened next? I let my vulnerability come thru.  I was able to explain the loss I was feeling.  The love I had for L and how much pain I was in.  It took a bit.  I even told M that I knew that I had made much progress with L, and part of the reason was the closeness and connectedness that we shared.

I have worked with many other therapist with no real movement, but I also never experienced the same type of relationship.  I am at a different place than when I first started with L.  Unfortunately her leaving also caused me deep, gut wrenching pain. It's like two sides of the same coin. M truly got that, and me.

Since that conversation last night I have thanked M numerous times.  Thanked her for letting me rant, thanked her for trying to understand what I was going through, and thanked her for letting me feel that closeness with her again.

I texted L this morning:

Me: I'm sure I'll come around...but it really does suck to feel like I'm chasing someone

L: Really sorry you didn't come in last night missed you.  I look forward to you getting more balanced with this.

I'm mostly ok with her response, although I really didn't like 'you getting more balanced', like this is all self inflicted and her hands are clean.....still more angry crap for me to figure out.  I haven't let it ruin my day completely, but I know I've got more to go.


  1. I'm so very sorry ... this makes me sad.

  2. I think that therapist was unprofessional. Not just in how she ended the therapy, but how she went about it in the first place, instilling unrealistic expectations.

  3. Thanks for always being around Amanda. It helps, a lot.

    Anonymous thanks for your feedback too. I know it takes two to tango but I'm still trying to figure out if there were missteps along the way. But I'm assuming there are always mistakes but will/should/can we have a good, health relationship going forward?