I think I've made progress. The anxiety doesn't happen as often, although it still does happen. But even when it does I can quite often distract myself, not always but often. Things that happen between us don't turn into a big rupture, atleast not in the same way.
I talked to her today, she's says more than I have in the past. She's smart, she remembers most things I've told her, even things I've forgotten. I think it helped, or I guess I'm hopeful that it will even though I feel like I'm still in a daze.
I couldn't tell her about the dream I had about her last night, and there is some guilty pleasure in reliving the dream, but too embarrassing to tell her. I'm confident that she would be fine with it and see it for what it really was, but I still couldn't get those words out. Not even sure I wanted to.
We did talk about longing, and maternal feelings, and me being lost in my thoughts. I told her how I often go for drives. Partly because I'm still learning the lay of the land up here and it's so damn beautiful, the mountains and the lakes. But then I also like indulging in my thoughts, and it's my time all alone.
We briefly touched on my being jealous of her family and friends and me keeping her on a pedestal. But it was late and we were out of time.
I just don't know where or how she fits into my life. Maybe it's even an 'if' she fits, cause maybe she's not supposed to. I hope that's not true.
I really want/need to keep delving into this more, I hope she holds me to it. She usually does a pretty good job of knowing when to push or not.