Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I wonder if I'll ever stop wonderingly? Will she actually ever reach out to me? Will we ever go on that hike? Will we ever meet for coffee and catch up? Or will we just be friends in name only? And if so will I be ok with that? Ya know, take the high road and simply appreciate what we head, a client-therapist relationship?

When I say somewhat-snarky, sarcastic comments about L my wife tells me, in her own loving-snarky way that I'm being too hard on L.  She's probably right, and I try and remember that her life has changed considerabley and she's probably swamped, and maybe overwhelmed and she just needs some time. And that helps....a little.

I'm actually still doing ok. Yes I'm still sad, and angry, and hurt by what happened with L, but I'm ok. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with the Abilify that I've been taking for a few weeks now, but even before taking it I wasn't as incapacitated as I always imagined I would be.


  1. I think a little snark as relief of the building pressure is fine. So you're annoyed, who can blame you?

    And honestly, screw her. She didn't do her job all that well.

    No you probably want to defend her. Right? If I side with her, you want to snark, and if I crap on her, you look to defend.

    You're not really as down on her as you think, it's just a convenient distraction.

    I still think that this is about you just owning the fact that nobody is ever going to be the unimpeachable "good person" you want. Everyone is kind of fucked up, and has boundary issues, and is a little crazy.

    We all want to feel there is someone who's not like that, but actually we're all a bit touched in the head. Including that kooky therapist you had, who surely meant will but perhaps screwed up a little with boundaries.

    Anyway, you sound much more together to me than you have in the past. I read a lot of your old posts, and I think the therapy ending this way was the best thing that could've happened.

    Another irony, I suppose...

  2. Thanks for your feedback anonymous, and I think you're right about being more put together than before. However, and I'm not defending her regarding how she ended things, but I may be more put together because of the work I've done with her over the past 5+ years. And maybe I would have done even better if she wasn't so 'kooky', but I still think we were a pretty good match.
    Although my new therapist C does agree that alot of good work was probably done, she also is wondering (you know it that 'outloud' therapisty, just putting it out there way) why I'm maybe not as angry as I could be, or not expressing it. Some things like my tough of hypomania lately I've been attributing to the Abilify, maybe it's something else, like the convenient distraction that you speak of??

  3. Normal, I think that you likely did benefit from the work you did together. There's my black and white thinking coming out again, so thanks for noticing and pointing it out to me! :)

    My point is to try and give you more the credit. Sure, she was helpful but she was just a person.

    And you did a lot of the hard work and nobody else should get the credit for that.

    I think it can be a big problem when we try and place others on a pedestal because it's bound to be disappointing. It goes back to how we idolize our parents as children and then they also disappoint us.

    You're trying to recreate that experience...why? To change it?

    It will only change when you realize that the parent will ALWAYS disappoint you, and that's okay, and you can handle it.

    Look, you're fine. You're living your life and that relationship with that therapist is honestly such a tiny, tiny part of it. But your obsession make it feel bigger and more important--hence the distraction of it.

    When you fully realize that it doesn't actually matter THAT MUCH, you will be released. Weight off your shoulders.

    Maybe its not mania, maybe its you being able to finally have some energy for your real life instead of this exaggerated relationship...?