Monday, September 14, 2015

I've wanted to write for so long. Somehow thinking and hoping that putting it out there will help me make some sense of my thoughts. Or at the very least getting some relief. But for some reason I haven't made the time. Instead I have preferred the distraction of reading other blogs and forums.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here's some of,the crap that has been floating around in my head:

I turned 50 at the end of July. Ugh! I 'know' it's not really a big deal, and my life didn't change, but some of my thinking has. I'm technically old now, and being around college kids has reinforced that. Many of my staff call me Mom, which I do find endearing, but I'm very much aware that I am in fact older than most of their parents ! I'm also more aware of the brevity of life and how quickly it goes by. Did I say Ugh already!!

The death of my friend Michelle has been and still is hard. I still haven't wrapped my head around her being gone. When I go by the school playground, or go pickup my daughter she is quite often present with me. We had so many wonderful, and meaningful conversations there.

For nearly two months I have been extremely agitated. People and things that I normally would find some joy in have pissed me off!! Very stupid things. Like being on a vacation and a friend making me breakfast totally sent my head spinning! In fact I couldn't stand being around anyone. The only plus side was that I had time to get back to running during my vacation, and mostly cause I wanted to be alone.
I don't know how my wife has put up with me during this whole time. Actually she ticked me off because the first day into vacation she went and broke her ankle! And of course I had very little empathy for her, all I could do is be pissed at how it affected me. So selfish, I know. And it's weird, it's like I'm watching a movie.  I know how horrible I'm being, I'm very aware of the thoughts and frustrations that come into my head, but for the most part it didn't help contain or change my actions. It's like I knew I was being an asshole, but it didn't matter, the thoughts kept coming.

I had a non-relates follow up appointment with my primary care in the middle of all this and I sort of told her what was happening.  Maybe it's the start of menopause ? Maybe it's my meds? Who knows, so she recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner . So I called and luckily she had a cancellation so I was able to see her within 2 weeks time. We talked about possible causes and avenues for resolution. Right now I'm coming off Prozac and going on Lexapro. It's only been a couple of weeks, yet it feels like an eternity, but it's too soon to tell if this alone will help.

Lots more to write, especially about therapy and the struggles with L, but it will have to wait.

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