There's got to be a 'why', right? Why am I filled with anxiety today? Why do I transfer 'mother-crap' to her? The silence, both my own and hers. I guess just because I think/feel it doesn't make it so? I'm even seeing C's face instead of hers today. That's even weirder. I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment. Strange, yet it makes crazy sense too.
I've gotten myself all wound up that she's had enough of me.
Sent her another text message and then turned off the ringer so I won't hear the notification. And there's this level of satisfaction in giving her that type of silence. Yet I'm well aware that it's all in my head.
"I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment." I'm familiar with this. It's something that I'm doing and experiencing now. Silence is pretty powerful, whether or not it's intentional.
ReplyDeleteTransference feels tricky. I suppose, though, it makes sense, in that we are finally in the presence of someone that really cares for us and looks out for us, as a mother should have, and because some mothers don't actually do this, it leaves us reaching out for those who do. It makes sense that our feelings and emotions get projected onto them, rather than the mother that was unavailable when we needed them.
You continue to do such great work, and you go forward with such determination. Therapy is hard work, and you haven't given up or given in. Be proud of yourself.