Saturday, November 7, 2015

I miss her. I miss knowing she was in my life, a part of my life. It's still surreal.

I had a session with C this past Wednesday. Still too much silence at times, but she says that sometimes it's important to just sit with the pain, the grief. That's what C says it is, grief, a very painful and major loss. And as many times as I say it's crazy she tells me how normal what I'm feeling is. Her validation has helped.

I have been feeling so sad and hopeless. Afraid that I'll always feel this way. My reaction seems too extreme and a bit scary.

C told me that I will start feeling better, little by little. She says it's gonna take time though, and even then there will still be times where it will cut me at the knees. She says that's how grief works.

Much too my surprise I actually felt 'pretty good' on Friday. Maybe I was starting to feel better, bit by bit? My wife and I had a date night. I felt a little like my old self, sort of. Maybe I might find motivation again? I felt love and warmth being with my daughter, watching her walk into the playground, telling her how much I loved her and having her roll her roll her 9 year old eyes at me!

Saturday morning I drove my wife and daughter to the airport. They are going on a long planned trip to visit M's sister in New Mexico. It was a 2 1/2 trip into Boston to get to the airport. During that drive L came up in conversation. It triggered something. I asked more of what she and L talked about at the 'last session', more about L's health issues. Although heart issues run in L's family she was surprised by her heart attack. She is a runner and a swimmer, she had past the magical age of 50 over 6 years ago, so she thought she was somewhat in the clear. She was wrong.

My mind started to get lost. I wanted to reach out to L, text her. After dropping my family off at the airport I now got live in my head for the  2 1/2 hour ride back. Drive past the exit to L's office. The sadness came back. I miss her.

I got home and tried tried to distract myself . Damn Facebook. There she was, one of L's friends had tagged her in a pic. She had thrown a going away party for one of her friends.

Her life continued, and mine continued to spiral.

1 comment:

  1. You don't know that her life has continued in happy fashion anymore than you knew anything else about her.

    She was a therapist who allowed the relationship to become murky.

    You are a person with a life who is trying to make sense of things, and your life goes on too. Hers is no better or worse.

    She owes you nothing.

    You owe her less than nothing. You owe it to yourself to let go when you can, so that you can be free of that weight.

    It will happen when you're ready. Sometimes, the anger and sadness is the way we continue to feel like the relationship is ongoing. When we let go of anger and sadness, we're forced to realize the relationship is truly over and not coming back.

    Best of luck.