Monday, November 2, 2015

I've been wondering what my next steps are supposed to be. Is it to forgive L? Is it to figure out how she fits in my life now, if at all?

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know where I'm going and I need direction.

Maybe I'm just trying to fill up some hole?

How long do I continue therapy-for-therapy?


  1. I'm not sure you can answer that right now. I don't think forgiving L is necessarily the next step, as you haven't yet dealt with her leaving, which means you'd need to start all over.

    You continue therapy for therapy, or any other thing therapy provides for you, as long as you wish. Daisy knows that I don't "need" therapy any longer, but she also recognizes that I value it, that it is an hour a week that I can speak words and be provided advice and support.

    The power is in your hands. You can do as you wish. I would try my hardest, however, to really think about the decisions you're making and why you're making them ... I don't want you to hurt yourself in the process of trying to hurt someone else.

    Sending love.

    1. Thanks Amanda, in talking with C I think I'm just going to start with a short term approach right now, especially the therapy-for-therapy and the whole grieving process. I've been feeling very hopeless, but today, so far, not as bad. So maybe there really is some home. Thanks again for continued support....soon I'll get to buy you that ice cream sundae!!

  2. I think forgiveness is always a good thing, provided you do so with the realistic understanding of who and what you're forgiving, and why. In other words, sometimes we forgive others because to err is human...etc.

    But forcing yourself to "feel" forgiveness when you haven't emotionally or mentally arrived there through processing things, is just another way of sweeping things under the carpet.

    Imo, of course.

    As I said last post, I think your therapist behaved unprofessionally in cultivating unrealistic expectations through all of the contact (messaging constantly, always validating the behavior and treating it as appropriate), rather than digging into help you find the basis for your suffering around the relationship.

    It's kind to try and give someone love and validation, but only if you can actually follow through and provide it. In my view, she didn't have the ability to actually follow through, nor should she have--given her professional relationship to you.

    This is all opinion.

    I think she encouraged the wrong kind of relationship and did not have proper boundaries, which only made your anxiety worse. And then, in the end, she could not live up to the expectations she herself helped to foster.

    Poor job on her part. But she's only human....

    I think this could be a positive thing for you--a real turning point, if you let it be. She let you down, but your partner stepped up and has been there for you!

    Can you see that, can you see that where it is appropriate, you actually have someone giving you the love and validation you need? Whereas seeking it from someone who cannot and should not ever give that to you will always be a losing battle...

    IMO of course.

    Best of luck

    1. Anonymous, once again you have hit some many things right on. And I'm trying (sort of) to remember she's only human, as am I. I've felt in the past that maybe some of her boundaries were too loose, but I'm still not sure. I know I'm still way too angry so I'm not comfortable that my thoughts/feelings are coming from a good place right now. I admit that I wanted to feel special to her, as she felt very special to me, and I also know that she is the one that is 'responsible' for keeping things in check and maybe she didn't do such a good job. I also know that I've been in this position before so I clearly must play a role in it. I think I just keep going in circles.
      As for my wife M, she has always been supportive, but I shut her out too much and she's not great at reading my mind!!! But you are right I need/want her to be my main source of love and validation. More stuff to work on.

      Thanks Again!