Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I texted her after my session yesterday but I haven't heard back. It's bothering me, I keep checking my phone but nothing. This isn't the first time, especially when it's been a difficult session, and she has always had a valid reason or explanation for not getting back to me. But knowing although hasn't brought me total relief, although it also hasn't taken over total control either.

At the beginning of the summer I finally worked up the nerve to ask if we could go on a hike for one of our sessions. She had been spending time up in my neck of the woods so we had a couple of sessions near where I live and not in her office, which is nearly a two hour drive each way. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond either of our control it never panned out. And now that summer is pretty much over and our schedules are a little more rigid she doesn't come up to her summer home as much.

This has been on my mind for quite some time.  I kept hoping she would bring it up cause I have been too scared to. It matters too much to me and I hate that it matters little to her. Those are my words and thoughts of course but the longer I ruminate about it the more I cement it as truth in my brain.

I really wanted to share the experience of a hike with her. And the top of this particular hike in the White Mountains has a spectacular view. In my head I had hoped to sit next to her when we reached the top and take in the beauty of it with her.

This though of sitting next to her made me also long to sit next to her in session, in her office. Her joining me on the couch. Boy, that sounds maybe a little lurid to write but I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the same way when I put my 9 year old to bed and she lays in the crook my arm. Although with L it would just be the physical proximity and not anything more than that.

In driving to her office yesterday, and during the week inbetween our last session I had thought about asking her to sit next to me.  It's funny how brave I am before T-day. How confident I am of my thoughts and feelings. But then I lose all sense of it and by the time I'm actually sitting in front of her. I can barely recall my intentions, never mind the feelings that were behind it.

It took me until about the 85th minute, of our normally 90 minute sessions to get most of th words. I had danced around it, I had pushed and pulled, I started and stopped, and finally at minute 89 I told her about wanting her to sit on the couch with me. It took a lot to get those words out. To tell her the lead-up-to-story of our failed plan of going on a hike, of what it meant to me. She finally got it. What happened next is sort of a blur to me.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

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