Maybe I was in denial.  She did said that she was leaving in November, but I guess to me that was still pretty open ended, no definitive date.  So when I went to see L yesterday, in a fairly decent mood, ready to, and wanting to talk about what our relationship would look like going forward, I was knocked on my ass when she said today was to be our last session.  Feels 'dead' to even write that.

I thought my anger had subsided over the past two weeks.  I thought I was in a better place.  Not 'the' place, not a great or even good place, but certainly better. What a fool I was/am.  It all came bubbling back up.

It took me a bit to get the words out.  'I didn't know today was our last day'.  She said 'Oh, did you need more time?  What else did you want to say? Do you need some sort of cushion?'.  Those things continued to piss me off.  Feeling like I am now an inconvenience.  My usefulness is gone.

So angry.  It's been nearly 5 years and I'm supposed to wrap this up in 3 weeks.  Fuck you.  Fuck her.

If someone had told you they had cancer and were dying and 3 weeks later they did wouldn't you say 'Man that was fast'? I know that's overly dramatic, but really 'a cushion'?  Fuck you.  Why the rush?

I guess lucky for me, I have 90 minute sessions (or should I say 'had'), which gave me some time to stew for a bit, shut down, play her words over and over again in my head, until I was finally willing to spew out some sarcastic crap (oh, I'm so mature).  And then I switched to some easier stuff, recent stories about my kid, a new business adventure that I'm kicking around...etc.

Then I finally got around to asking what our relationship would now look like.

She said that it was up to us to figure that out, and really whatever I'm comfortable with.  It won't be a typical friendship, sort of, and it certainly wouldn't be therapy.  But it's up to us to figure this out. Writing this out right now it sort of taking some of my anger away.  Weird, but honestly I don't want the anger gone yet.

I told her that maybe I'm being delusional thinking she would still be in my life.  She said she really wants to be.  She wants me to continue to text her with stuff, she wants me to let her know what's going on, how my family is, how the shop is doing...etc.  Meet occasionally for coffee or lunch, go on the hike we talked about....etc.

She told me this story about a clinical supervisor that she had in college, and then when she got into the real world she was able to continue to receive paid supervision from this women.  She played a large role in L's life and they continued on with a friendship for years.  Meeting for lunch, exchanging emails...etc.  Unfortunately this woman died, but her 'friendship' meant a lot to L.  She imagined that maybe we would have something similar.

She has said things in the past that never happened.  I think she always means well, although sometimes I think she says them just to be nice or pacify me.  And I know that I take most things to heart, and maybe pick about her words.  Or maybe she just wants me to followup on things she has offered.

I don't know, it's all crazy making.

And I actually will see her officially one more time.  My wife and I saw L for couples counseling briefly a year or so ago.  My wife has also met L, with me there, to talk about me and what had been going on and how she could be of help.

Anyway, my wife has asked if we could meet with L one last time so she could get some closure, and also, once again, to talk about how she could help me during this time. So we will go tomorrow night.

Definitely mixed feelings about it....so what else is new??