Need to get out the intensity of the anxiety, the thoughts, the wants, the longing. I seem to lose that intensity by the time I get there and then it's hard to find the right words, to recreate it without minimizing it.
What are the thoughts? They are about her in one way or another. What is she doing? Who is she with? Wishing/longing for her to be my mom/big sister. Hating her for having these feelings. Jealous of her friends and family; people she chooses to be with in her free time. I see pictures of her on Facebook or comments she's written and it makes me ache.
I know it's not normal, and I also know it doesn't make me crazy. I'm just embarrassed to tell her, I also hate that she has one-up on me, making me clearly weaker in the relationship. Hmm, wonder what that means.
I also don't believe what she tells me, except of course for the times I do.
I hate her. I love her. fucked
I do ok, I fall apart. I miss her, I'm fine. push. pull.
I picture myself telling her this stuff, trying to purge the crazy thoughts. I picture myself telling her that she can't say anything, she can't respond. Mostly because I won't believe her as she tries to help me feel better, tries to help me normalize my thoughts.
I know my stuff is irrational responses, but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I want to tell her that I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have her hold me. I want to tell her that sometimes when I hold/hug Sam I want the same from her. The unconditional love that I have for sam I want from her. I know it's irrational.
Need to get this out. I feel like all I ever do is talk about this with her but I think the reality is that I don't. I imagine it all the time in my head, I live with it all inside, and maybe I sometimes allude to it with her but it never comes flowing out of my mouth. I never really purge it, I just walk around with it.
(still picturing talking with her) I look at your pictures on Facebook when I miss you, when I want to talk to you, or just know you're still around. I like to read things you've commented on as I can feel your presence more, it's more 'alive' than a picture, i can really hear you talking.
So the delay in your response (sent a text Friday at 6:30 and you returned it at 10:00pm on Sunday) sent me on a bit of a whirlwind. And now I'm feeling like an ass. I hope she doesn't hate me. I just assumed that she forgot about me and I'm really not a priority, nor should I be. She has a life and I can't be sucking the life out of her. Part of me feels bad that she spent time trying to rearrange hers, and other peoples schedules. I wanted to see her Monday AND Wednesday this week, and now the delay has twisted my thinking all around again. I was mad at her and now I'm afraid that she's mad at me. fucked again.
Just exchanged a few texts with her. Really was bothered by her telling me that I still had my wednesday morning spot. I hated being referred to as a 'spot'. And I also know I'm being childish and petty. crap
How do you know when to let go? How do you know if you should forgive and forget or when it's time to cut bait? Looking at pictures of her I see warmth, compassion, fun, relaxed. Do I see trustworthy? Maybe it's time to just really, and I mean really, trust her? Funny that it's still a question and not yet a statement.
I wonder if L is really too good to be true.Of course she's not perfect, although part of me would argue that.what if I went in there tomorrow trusting her? just being happy she's part of my life. I gotta start letting some of these thoughts/feelings out.