More strange and random thoughts.....

I hate when a session ends abruptly.  We were talking today about some hard stuff, after me wasting over an hour by not talking, and she sort of stopped me in mid-sentence and said 'We went over, we'll have to stop', to which I stopped the conversation, got up and left.  All very mechanical.  I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's like I got hit in the face with the reality of the relationship.

I am trying to figure out why I have trouble talking, why are the walls up, what do I get from it?  Simplistically I know it comes from my childhood.  My only 'protection' against my mother was to withdraw from her and not talk.  It drove her crazy, which I of course loved.

But that, I guess, doesn't work for me anymore. 

So I was driving to work this morning after my session and thinking about this.  What do I get from not talking?  Some of it has to do with control.  In my mind I would never let my mother affect me so I would shut down from her, that was my defense.  So now with L I can't get past this perceived imbalance of power. I hate that I can't stop her from affecting me.

I hate that I need her, that I want her support, and that I'm fragile with her.  If she takes it away I lose and she wins. 

I'm not normally like that.  Not that I know what 'normal' looks like, but my m.o. with other people is to not be needy.  I try and solve, resolve everything on my own, never, ever reaching out to people. 

How do I get comfortable with this?  And how do I hold steadfast to the belief that be open and vulnerable and relying on others is the right way?