More strange and random thoughts.....
I hate when a session ends abruptly. We were talking today about some hard stuff, after me wasting over an hour by not talking, and she sort of stopped me in mid-sentence and said 'We went over, we'll have to stop', to which I stopped the conversation, got up and left. All very mechanical. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's like I got hit in the face with the reality of the relationship.
I am trying to figure out why I have trouble talking, why are the walls up, what do I get from it? Simplistically I know it comes from my childhood. My only 'protection' against my mother was to withdraw from her and not talk. It drove her crazy, which I of course loved.
But that, I guess, doesn't work for me anymore.
So I was driving to work this morning after my session and thinking about this. What do I get from not talking? Some of it has to do with control. In my mind I would never let my mother affect me so I would shut down from her, that was my defense. So now with L I can't get past this perceived imbalance of power. I hate that I can't stop her from affecting me.
I hate that I need her, that I want her support, and that I'm fragile with her. If she takes it away I lose and she wins.
I'm not normally like that. Not that I know what 'normal' looks like, but my m.o. with other people is to not be needy. I try and solve, resolve everything on my own, never, ever reaching out to people.
How do I get comfortable with this? And how do I hold steadfast to the belief that be open and vulnerable and relying on others is the right way?