Warning: This may not make sense to anyone but me, and even then I'm not so sure.....
Why can't I accept this 'relationship'? I told L yesterday that I didn't want it to matter to me, that's my goal. She asked me 'how's that working for you?' knowing damn well the answer, 'It's not working for me!'.
I also know (only in my head) that I feel better, much, much better when I do accept how much she means to me, but I keep fighting it. Why?
After interviewing numerous T's a couple years ago I knew right away after meeting L that I wanted to work with her. It's this weird sense that I get from certain people, that I feel a fairly instant connection. It doesn't happen very often.
It's like I go merrily along for a while, and then stuff builds up inside me and I finally crack. I met with L on Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon I sent this text:
Me: Do you know what's worse than you leaving? The day we meet when you come back. Too many (stupid) high hopes. I wish I said more, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say. Sorry for the ranty-like text, just left feeling angry, or maybe frustrated. Like I went to a banquet but I didn't eat. In some places I see progress and in others I see the same old crap. And I'm really sorry for directing this at you, it's not fair to you, I get that. When does 'being normal' kick in? Are you keeping me at bay for a reason? Is there a reason I can't know where you went? Is there a reason that I want to know? Sorry, too much crap floating around. I think my reason for seeing you isn't healthy, what I want isn't 'normal', 'pathetic' comes to mind.......probably shouldn't have sent this, just drama. Mostly just pissed at me.
L: Not pissed at you I want to help you say things, good, bad, indifferent. I want to hear you. I don't want you to leave feeling badly.
So I text her Wednesday morning asking if she had time to meet, and thank goodness she did.
I go in all anxiety-ridden, my heart racing, talking to fast, and avoiding a serious conversation by being avoidantly-funny(I'm sure this is a word).
I am able to get some stuff out, but only some, although I think she understands. She tells me that everything I've expressed is normal, that I'm not crazy, that it's ok to need her. I continue to fight it. I tell her that I hate that I can't give her back a book that she had lent me. I finished it months ago, but I'm unwilling to part with it. She said it's ok to want a 'transitional object', and she has clients who have taken pictures of them together and they hold on to that. She reiterated "nothing wrong with that'.
Of course in my most sarcastic, wise-ass tone I tell her first 'as far as I'm concerned you don't have any other clients, and second, of course there's something wrong with it, that's why they give it a special name 'transitional object'! I don't want these fucking feelings. I don't want it to matter.
There are other people in my life that matter to me and I don't fight those feelings, and they also don't consume me.