Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I don't mean to sound like I'm not grateful, but the problem with having a really good session, is that's it's usually followed by one that's no so good.  Not that it was horrible, but I felt like we, or I, didn't get to the same level as we (or I) did last Friday.  I was really looking forward to seeing L today, but that shifted a bit this morning.  I think sometimes I feel braver when it's a few days away, but not so much when it's the actual day. 

I really wanted to talk about the email exchange from her friend the other day, the one in which I felt pangs of jealousy.  But somehow I couldn't get there.  I felt silly about it, like I was making too much out of it.  Instead we talked about a lot of different things, mostly inconsequential stuff.  I have to admit L does a really good job at getting me, and keeping me talking.  My last t, well actually not my 'last' t, but the t who meant the world to me and then crushed me, well she went more with the 'blank slate' approach.  I mean she shared personal things/stories with me, but I always had to start the conversation.  And unfortunately that meant we sat in silence alot, and I mean ALOT.

Eventually I was able to bring up the email exchange and tell her that it felt awkward for me.  But because I didn't do a good job explaining how it affected me, she understood it to mean that I just wasn't used to seeing her that way.  Like when you work with someone everyday for years and then out-of-the-blue you run into them in a social setting.  But that's not how it was for me, but I was too embarrassed to tell her. 

So that's how the session ended.  We did talk about a lot of different things, and because we have similar interests (we often share books) I always like talking non-therapy stuff with her, but when I leave knowing I didn't share what I really wanted to, well it leaves me feeling down, empty, and sad.  I remembering texting her once telling her it's like I went to a buffet but never ate.

When I left and got to my car I just sat there with the car running for a while.  Because of the holiday I won't see her for another week and I'm really frustrated with myself for not getting what I need, and now I have to sit with it.  But then some how I muster up the courage to text her.  Maybe it's the 'chicken' way out, but sometimes it allows me to stick my toe in water until I'm ready to jump in.  So I send this to her:

Me:  You know it's more of a jealous-thing than an out-of-context-thing

Once again, I know in an ideal world I should be saying the words out loud and not texting her, but at the moment it works for me.  When we first started texting it would take me a long time before I would actually press the send button. I would agonize over it for hours, and even then sometimes I still wouldn't send it.  But L and I have talked about that and she says I can text anything, anytime, as much as I want.  So as soon as I start agonizing I hear her voice in my head and I can usually quickly send it, and that's what I did this morning.

It's still so strange to me that the act of simply sending the text can give me such relief, and that's what happened this time.  So after sending it I was able to continue processing the session, and I was able to come up with some stuff that made me feel better.  That I could take with me to feel comfort.  It wasn't as comforting as if I'd have actually shared my thoughts/feelings in person, but I still was able to see some good.

And then, a couple hours later I get her response:

L:  Jealous, good, glad you shared that with me.  We will start next week with that, ok?  Together we can figure out this stuff and get into a better place. 

I am totally floored by that.  I was so nervous to read her response to my text that I held off for a while.  But in my smart-ass kind of way, I reply with:

Me:  Really?  Good? Start with it??? Can't we just start with 'nice weather' or 'how was your weekend', like normal people.

I wish I left feeling like I felt last Friday, but it certainly could be a lot worse.


  1. First, I want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and to thank you for commenting on my blog. Your feedback is always helpful and valued more than I can say.

    I know negativity is much easier for me to deal with and process. It's the good stuff that usually makes me feel like I'm in unfamiliar territory. And then as soon as I find myself enjoying the "feel good " moment, I get scared that it won't last very long or ever come again... Don't get me wrong, I love to feel good and have good things happen, but I find I usually over analyze everything and pick everything apart to stuff it in place that it looks and feels more normal to me. Learning to just accept things for what they are was a difficult thing for me to do. Allowing myself to just feel good just because and for no other reason is a powerful concept and one that comes with learning to love yourself. Feeling like you did last Friday will happen if you let it happen...really! Just close your eyes and go back to that place again and savor it like you would a decadent dessert.

  2. Mildred, thanks so much for your feedback, it means alot to me too!

    Your comment reminded me of how L said to me today that I can only continue with this dark-and-brooding persona for a few more months. That it's really not me, and it's definitely not helpful.

    Thanks for reminding of that......although I hate that I can only cling to this female-James-Dean act for a little while longer.

    I hope you have a good holiday.

  3. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with good food, family and friends.