Monday, November 14, 2011

Nothing really much to say, or write, but at the same time still wanting to.  I haven't exchanged any more texts with L but I am supposed to have an appointment with her tomorrow morning.  Not quite sure how I feel about that or what to expect.  I'm still angry with her and not trusting of her.  How do you trust someone enough to tell them you don't trust them? 

I keep trying to find a place where it doesn't matter so much to me, where she doesn't matter to me.  How do I get there?

I can't choose how I feel, right?  So I can't choose that she means so much.  Can I? 

So fine, I care, you matter.  Now how do I not let that crush me? 

And why can't I decide that she doesn't matter?  Why can't I just walk away?  Ahhhhh, this is the transference crap isn't it?  Actually which is the transference stuff, her mattering too much or my over reaction?


  1. I think it's good that she matters - a sign of health. You really can't choose how you deeply feel IMO. Hope you were able to address some of this with L and feel better.

  2. Thanks for your support Ellen, it means a lot. I was able to sort-of talk and I did feel better. Just wish I could figure out how to get off this merry-go-round!