I think I'm starting to withdraw a bit.  Like right now I'm just sitting in my office, with the door closed, trying to figure out how to get through the day.  Which basically means try to keep my mind occupied until I finally make it to bed, my final resting place.  It's not that I don't have things to do ( 3 meetings in the afternoon, food shop before going home, a cute little kid to take care of when I get there....etc) but I would prefer to just curl up in a ball and be left alone.

I know part of it has to do with the ice cream shop.  We were supposed to get together this weekend to go over their financials, but they say they won't be ready until the end of January.  Well we can't wait that long, both from an emotional perspective as well as a financial perspective.  The business is seasonal so we need to have things in place by March 1st.  And emotionally, well I'm just so checked out at work, I can't concentrate on anything.  I'm trying.  I have a couple of big projects that I'm responsible for, but my heart isn't in it so I'm dragging my feet alot.

When my partner M talked to the current owners a few days ago they also threw out an asking price that was nearly double of what I had in mind.  They're also questioning our commitment and seriousness, funny but I was questioning there's!!! I had actually drafted a letter of intent/commitment last week, had my lawyer review it, and was going to present it to them this weekend.  But I was concerned that they would be afraid of the lawyer-babble, but now it looks like that's what they're looking for.  I've tried for the past couple of days to get back in contact with them but so far we haven't had a chance to talk.

They said a few other things that were strange, and they are also doing some cosmetic changes to the place right.  Well that just doesn't make sense.  The cosmetic changes won't add value to the property/land/business it will only increase the potential for attracting buyers, but they already have a buyer (me!!!) so why waste your time and money? 

I feel like they're not telling us something, but it's probably just my paranoia kicking in.  Because they haven't been open with what they're thinking, well then that causes me to think the worst.

I can't tell how L is harping on this and using it as a 'life lesson' for me!  She says that I need to talk with them and figure out a way to get the communications flowing better.  Unfortunately for me I would just prefer that they follow a traditional process for selling/buying a business, but I guess this is par-for-the-course when buying a small business.

I know this is just part of the process, and I shouldn't read so much negativity into it, and I'm definitely not giving up, but I wish I was the type of person who would draw energy from this challenge, instead of letting it get me down.  I mean I do like a good challenge, but this one seems to carry so much weight.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it is my life (any my family's life) that we're talking about here.

I also spoke with L on the phone yesterday, something I think I've only done twice before.  Either I text her or I just wait.  Alot of times just putting it out there in a text to her helps, but after yesterday's session I texted her to see if I could see her earlier than Friday this week.  She responded that she had time on Thursday, in which I responded that Thursday would work for me, and I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and I didn't want to wait until Friday. She then said that we could talk on the phone.  I wasn't prepared for that question, but I was able to talk myself into it.

So about an hour later, I found myself sitting in my car at a local cemetery having a very strange conversation with L.  Seriously the whole therapy-relationship-attachment-transference-stuff is crazy making.  It's just not like any other relationship I've ever had.  It's not normal. 

I mean the neediness, the ruminations, the craving, the childlike longings, the need for safe, physical touch, the role they play in our lives, the painful slide that happens when they're away.

How do I talk about all these things without dying of embarrassment? How do I pour my heart out to someone who doesn't even feel half of what I feel?  How do I give up wanting control over my feelings? How do I allow myself to trust her?  And specifically in this relationship, once I feel better I lose her.  Where's my motivation?

I know I'm whiny, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.

Oh, and another reason to whine.....feeling more connected with L after our phone conversation today, I sent her a text this morning 'So I need some L-words-of-wisdom to get me through the day.....what do you got?'  And naturally I haven't heard back from her, and it's been over 6 hours.  Guess that wasn't the right thing to do.  Feeling too comfortable.  Crap.