This morning was one of those good sessions. The kind where I leave and feel a warmth inside, much like hot chocolate on a cold day.
I know it's probably hard to tell from my posts but I really think I've made progress, and I think we're now getting to a deeper place, the place where I need to be.
We talked alot about the ice cream place today and it felt really good, and then we talked about the parallels between the process I've gone through with potentially buying this business and how I can take what I've learned and accomplished and use it in real life.
Normally I keep most things to myself, especially if they're not 'normal' or 'rational'. As someone who has worked in a corporate setting for over 20 years and by some standards 'climbed the ladder' and become a successful manager(leader?), the active pursuit of looking to be an ice cream shop owner seems a little strange and uncomfortable. But oddly, at the same time as 'conservative' as my career path may seem, I'm definitely not traditional, so owning an ice cream shop really is more 'me'.
But what L was trying to get me to see was how different this experience has been for me. I've put myself out there. I've talked to almost anyone who was willing to listen, and have been pleasantly surprised with the supportive reactions I've gotten. No one, at least to my face, has ridiculed the idea or said I'm crazy. Most have not only been supportive they have even offered tangible help. And being open, and vulnerable about this stage in my life has given me some confidence in being open about other less-fun things.
We then talked more about attachment stuff, and my strong, torturous, or is it tumultuous reaction to her, and 2 other people in my life. The overwhelming desire for a strong connection and the frailness of my feelings. We talked about my unwillingness to accept these feelings. That I'm in constant internal turmoil and it affects me to the core.
She said it's ok for me to have sister/mother bond with her and that in 10 or 20 years she hopes that I still hear her voice in my head.
She also brought up that she'd like me to join a group; a women's group. She said she's been thinking about one in particular that typically meets for 6 month stints. Of course I colorfully debated this with her. What the hell was she thinking? A group of women??? No way. I'd spend half my time making fun of them in my head, and then the other half the time I would be fighting with attachment crap. I told her that I have enough trouble in couple's therapy, never mind a whole group of women!
She agreed that it would be very difficult for me at first, but she thinks I would greatly benefit from it. I think I'll have to think about that for a while, a long while.