It was ok. Not great, but I left feeling better. Even though as I walked out of her office I sarcastically told her that I didn't. It certainly wasn't one of those sessions where I talked alot, in fact she did most of the talking.
She asked me if the text she sent on Thursday was too harsh (the one in which she said I have 'multiple assets'), I told her it was. I told her that what I heard was 'suck it up'. She said that wasn't what she meant. I told her I also heard 'go talk to someone else'. She said that wasn't the message she was trying to send. She actually wishes I would have talked to her more, even texted her more. In fact she would have preferred a phone call, but that's too scary for me right now.
That floored me. In no way did I think she wanted me to talk to her more. I really thought she was sick of me,
I keep feeling like I'm too much, too needy, too dependent, too crazy. She says I'm none of those things. She says I don't ask for what I want.
I told her that I hate how strong my reaction to her is, so we talked about that for a while. So much of it is abandonment crap, and she also has to struggle with the ghost-of-my-therapist-past. She does really live in the shadows of what happened with Claire. I wonder does that wound ever really heal, or is it like death in that you just learn to live with it.
Other than my daughter, L is the most important person in my life right now. Is that weird? Of course I have other people that mean the world to me, but for some reason L draws the biggest reactions from me, both positive and negative. Is that weird?
Today I can shake the feelings of wanting to touch base with her. No particular reason. I think I'm just sick of fighting with myself. Maybe I'm ready to just simply accept what I feel?.........if it were only that easy.