Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It was ok.  Not great, but I left feeling better.  Even though as I walked out of her office I sarcastically told her that I didn't.  It certainly wasn't one of those sessions where I talked alot, in fact she did most of the talking. 

She asked me if the text she sent on Thursday was too harsh (the one in which she said I have 'multiple assets'), I told her it was.  I told her that what I heard was 'suck it up'.  She said that wasn't what she meant.  I told her I also heard 'go talk to someone else'.  She said that wasn't the message she was trying to send.  She actually wishes I would have talked to her more, even texted her more.  In fact she would have preferred a phone call, but that's too scary for me right now.

That floored me.  In no way did I think she wanted me to talk to her more. I really thought she was sick of me,

I keep feeling like I'm too much, too needy, too dependent, too crazy.  She says I'm none of those things.  She says I don't ask for what I want. 

I told her that I hate how strong my reaction to her is, so we talked about that for a while.  So much of it is abandonment crap, and she also has to struggle with the ghost-of-my-therapist-past. She does really live in the shadows of what happened with Claire.  I wonder does that wound ever really heal, or is it like death in that you just learn to live with it.

Other than my daughter, L is the most important person in my life right now. Is that weird?  Of course I have other people that mean the world to me, but for some reason L draws the biggest reactions from me, both positive and negative.  Is that weird?

Today I can shake the feelings of wanting to touch base with her.  No particular reason.  I think I'm just sick of fighting with myself.  Maybe I'm ready to just simply accept what I feel?.........if it were only that easy.


  1. I see positives in this post. We do come to a place where you have to let go. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

  2. Thanks JBR. As much as I hate to admit it, I think you're right about the positives