Thursday, November 10, 2011

More irrational thoughts....

Normally I see L every Friday at 7:30am, along with another day during the week, usually Tuesday.  But this week I saw her Tuesday, freaked out and saw her again Wednesday night.  When I was leaving she asked about my Friday morning appointment, and of course inside the struggle starts.  My real initial reaction is 'Absolutely, you know I'd come everyday if you let me, in fact I'll just sleep in your office overnight and save myself some gas'.  But then the thoughts of 'what's the matter with you, three times in one week, that's crazy, and there's no way she wants to see you again...'.  So what comes out of my mouth is 'No, let's just hold off until next week'.

Then phase 2 kicks in.  I start regretting not keeping the appointment.  My thoughts become completely consumed around this. I finally decided to text to see if I can still see her on Friday morning.

Then phase 3, the waiting.  But it's actually not too bad, I've become better at it, more confident that she'll be there for me.

Then phase 3a, more waiting.  This time it's been more than 12 hours since I sent the message.  I start going down the 'she hates me' rabbit hole, but I quickly pull myself out of it, telling myself that she probably didn't even get the message, so I resend the text.

Now the just-got-kicked-in-the-stomach phase, she replies back with 'Sorry, left my phone at home I filled that spot yesterday'

The sad-realization phase starts, "I filled that spot?  So I'm really just a fucking spot? Why do I do this to myself? and really, she filled a Friday at 7:30 in the morning appointment that just became available?  Seriously? Bullshit.  And why didn't she offer another time?"

Then I get another text "I could do something Friday night'. 

I start to fall for that, like maybe she does care.  But then I realize that I can't do this Friday night I have tickets to a performance, and she knows that, we've talked about it a bunch of times. 

However, I give her the benefit of the doubt, tell her I have to leave by 5:00pm to go to the show (you know, the one we've talked about 100 times!) and ask if she could do any earlier.  And I get back "No, sorry"

Fuck you.

Now I know my reaction isn't normal and what happened probably isn't a reflection of how she feels towards me, and I know I'm behaving like a three year old, but knowing all that doesn't change how I feel.

This is so silly, but all I want to do is go home, crawl into bed, and shut the world off.  I will stew about this for the next 4 days, debating back and forth about seeing her next Tuesday morning.  I don't want to need her.  I don't want it to matter to me.  I just want to take my ball and go home.

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