L and I were talking today about me hating that I need her, that I'm overly dependent on her, that I like (sort of) seeing her twice a week. She keeps telling me that what I'm feeling is 'ok' but I keep fighting it. I don't want to need her, it just feels like it's too much. Fuck
I know that when I accept how I feel about her I do actually feel better, but then the doubts creep in, or some trust is broken and it's like a house of cards that just come tumbling down. This constant push-pull is gonna wear me out.
Normally I would see her again this Friday but she's away at a conference. Hate that. She said she's still available via phone, although she said she knows that I would never call but I can text all I want. I did send her a wise-ass text a few minutes ago '.....I heard a rumor that your conference got cancelled :).......can't blame a girl for trying.'
I feel like such a therapy freak. Is it really ok to need someone so much?
She said today that someday I'll laugh about this. That I'll realize that these feelings of dependency won't always be there and right now it's sort of like a means to an end.
I worry about this dependency aspect also. What is the end, that this is a means to, if you don't mind my asking? Is it just good mental health? It is comforting to think that this neediness will end naturally somehow....because my T can't adopt me, unfortunately. :-)
ReplyDeleteYea Ellen, I guess good mental health is the goal. My t and I are at opposite ends of the attachment school of thought, she's all for it, and I'm totally against it. Although I also know it feels good to be in a secure relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm totally against depending on people and she thinks life is all about needing people.
I'm trying to put my trust (a tough one) in the belief that the neediness will take care of itself, that things will shift. Actually, I think they have shifted a bit, not completely though.
And my t won't adopt me either, but I did send her a text over the summer asking her if we'd still know each other in 20 years and she said yes (actually she said 'I don't see why not').
I would consider attachment in therapy "unconventional", at least that's how I see it. People who are not in the midst of a therapy relationship, don't understand the attachment. It makes sense that we need someone to fully attach to, a healthy person that is open and honest with us. I'd rather it be my therapist over anyone else at this point. I consider her a good starting point.
ReplyDeleteI do very much understand what you're saying though - sometimes I don't feel so 'happy' about my attachment to her being so strong, but I am not sure what to do with that.