It occurred to me this morning that growing up all I wanted was to be seen. I'm sure that's played a role in shaping who I am.
I sent L a text this morning:
Me: I wish I had something pithy to say or a great reason to text, but I don't. Hopefully something will come to me.
The need or craving to contact her was occupying valuable internal resources on my part, basically it was starting to consume me. And of course my dream reaction would be for her to say 'I have some time today, do you want to talk?' or 'I'll be near your work today, would you like to meet for coffee?' And of course either of those would be great, except I also know that i don't have something specific on my mind that I need to share. I just want to be in her presence.
I have a good friend who I've know for 25 years. We don't see each as often as we used to, but when I was in my 20's we hung out a lot. One of his favorite things to say to me was 'Hey, come over and share a moment with me'. It was lighthearted, but it's sort of how I feel with L. I just want to 'be'.
That was one of my favorite things about my partner M. When we first got together I knew I was happy just to 'be' with her, I was comfortable with our silence, and sometimes comforted by the silence. And it didn't have anything to do with me retreating or withdrawing it was just simply filling a need.