I think I'm starting to withdraw a bit.  Like right now I'm just sitting in my office, with the door closed, trying to figure out how to get through the day.  Which basically means try to keep my mind occupied until I finally make it to bed, my final resting place.  It's not that I don't have things to do ( 3 meetings in the afternoon, food shop before going home, a cute little kid to take care of when I get there....etc) but I would prefer to just curl up in a ball and be left alone.

I know part of it has to do with the ice cream shop.  We were supposed to get together this weekend to go over their financials, but they say they won't be ready until the end of January.  Well we can't wait that long, both from an emotional perspective as well as a financial perspective.  The business is seasonal so we need to have things in place by March 1st.  And emotionally, well I'm just so checked out at work, I can't concentrate on anything.  I'm trying.  I have a couple of big projects that I'm responsible for, but my heart isn't in it so I'm dragging my feet alot.

When my partner M talked to the current owners a few days ago they also threw out an asking price that was nearly double of what I had in mind.  They're also questioning our commitment and seriousness, funny but I was questioning there's!!! I had actually drafted a letter of intent/commitment last week, had my lawyer review it, and was going to present it to them this weekend.  But I was concerned that they would be afraid of the lawyer-babble, but now it looks like that's what they're looking for.  I've tried for the past couple of days to get back in contact with them but so far we haven't had a chance to talk.

They said a few other things that were strange, and they are also doing some cosmetic changes to the place right.  Well that just doesn't make sense.  The cosmetic changes won't add value to the property/land/business it will only increase the potential for attracting buyers, but they already have a buyer (me!!!) so why waste your time and money? 

I feel like they're not telling us something, but it's probably just my paranoia kicking in.  Because they haven't been open with what they're thinking, well then that causes me to think the worst.

I can't tell how L is harping on this and using it as a 'life lesson' for me!  She says that I need to talk with them and figure out a way to get the communications flowing better.  Unfortunately for me I would just prefer that they follow a traditional process for selling/buying a business, but I guess this is par-for-the-course when buying a small business.

I know this is just part of the process, and I shouldn't read so much negativity into it, and I'm definitely not giving up, but I wish I was the type of person who would draw energy from this challenge, instead of letting it get me down.  I mean I do like a good challenge, but this one seems to carry so much weight.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it is my life (any my family's life) that we're talking about here.

I also spoke with L on the phone yesterday, something I think I've only done twice before.  Either I text her or I just wait.  Alot of times just putting it out there in a text to her helps, but after yesterday's session I texted her to see if I could see her earlier than Friday this week.  She responded that she had time on Thursday, in which I responded that Thursday would work for me, and I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and I didn't want to wait until Friday. She then said that we could talk on the phone.  I wasn't prepared for that question, but I was able to talk myself into it.

So about an hour later, I found myself sitting in my car at a local cemetery having a very strange conversation with L.  Seriously the whole therapy-relationship-attachment-transference-stuff is crazy making.  It's just not like any other relationship I've ever had.  It's not normal. 

I mean the neediness, the ruminations, the craving, the childlike longings, the need for safe, physical touch, the role they play in our lives, the painful slide that happens when they're away.

How do I talk about all these things without dying of embarrassment? How do I pour my heart out to someone who doesn't even feel half of what I feel?  How do I give up wanting control over my feelings? How do I allow myself to trust her?  And specifically in this relationship, once I feel better I lose her.  Where's my motivation?

I know I'm whiny, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.

Oh, and another reason to whine.....feeling more connected with L after our phone conversation today, I sent her a text this morning 'So I need some L-words-of-wisdom to get me through the day.....what do you got?'  And naturally I haven't heard back from her, and it's been over 6 hours.  Guess that wasn't the right thing to do.  Feeling too comfortable.  Crap.

More strange and random thoughts.....

I hate when a session ends abruptly.  We were talking today about some hard stuff, after me wasting over an hour by not talking, and she sort of stopped me in mid-sentence and said 'We went over, we'll have to stop', to which I stopped the conversation, got up and left.  All very mechanical.  I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's like I got hit in the face with the reality of the relationship.

I am trying to figure out why I have trouble talking, why are the walls up, what do I get from it?  Simplistically I know it comes from my childhood.  My only 'protection' against my mother was to withdraw from her and not talk.  It drove her crazy, which I of course loved.

But that, I guess, doesn't work for me anymore. 

So I was driving to work this morning after my session and thinking about this.  What do I get from not talking?  Some of it has to do with control.  In my mind I would never let my mother affect me so I would shut down from her, that was my defense.  So now with L I can't get past this perceived imbalance of power. I hate that I can't stop her from affecting me.

I hate that I need her, that I want her support, and that I'm fragile with her.  If she takes it away I lose and she wins. 

I'm not normally like that.  Not that I know what 'normal' looks like, but my m.o. with other people is to not be needy.  I try and solve, resolve everything on my own, never, ever reaching out to people. 

How do I get comfortable with this?  And how do I hold steadfast to the belief that be open and vulnerable and relying on others is the right way?

Random weirdness:

In reviewing some of my blog stats today I noticed that someone from the same town as L checked out this site yesterday.   Highly unlikely that it was a coincidence? Not sure how I feel about it, probably a whole myriad of ways.  Not sure if I'll ask her or not.

I've had L on my mind a lot this weekend.  Part of me really wanted to reach out to her and another part was/is really angry at her.

I've been very aware lately of how much I push my thoughts away, how uncomfortable I am, and how I fight them.  So today while driving to work I was thinking about L and how I feel about her.  I've fought the thought of thinking about her in a motherly-way, so I briefly allowed that thought this morning.  I don't know how to accurately describe it but it was amazing.  Even as I write it now I can feel a great sense of always being cared about.  Wouldn't that be great? To have this sense that someone would always be there for you, that someone would always love you, no matter what.  Much like how I feel about my own daughter.

I know if I shared this with L she would be comfortable with it. She's even said in the past that it's ok to think of her in a sisterly or motherly way.  But how can lying to myself be good?

I gotta get a hobby......

In addition to jealousy, why the anger? Why can I be so quick to feel angry with her?  That I'm on heightened alert to beware of her 'tricking' me?


And is more helpful to 'know' it's transference and separate my feelings from her, or is it more helpful to just go with it and direct it at her?

So why do we think they have a better life than us?  Why do we imagine they have perfect children, amazing sex, and a profession that they love? 

Ok, so maybe it's really not a 'we' but an 'I'? 

I don't think I'd describe myself has a 'jealous' person.  Sure there are things I wish I had, or deeper relationships, but why does that turn into jealousy towards L?  Why do I picture that she has wonderful kids, a terrific love life, and a job that fulfills her?

I've read about the whole blank-slate-thing, and she's clearly not a blank slate, but either way how does 'positive regard' turn into this?

My life is not perfect but there's certainly no one in my life that I would trade with, so why with L?  Although I don't think I'd want to trade necessarily, I guess I just want to be part of it, in a meaningful way.  I guess 'meaningful' to her.

Just random long-weekend thoughts........

I don't mean to sound like I'm not grateful, but the problem with having a really good session, is that's it's usually followed by one that's no so good.  Not that it was horrible, but I felt like we, or I, didn't get to the same level as we (or I) did last Friday.  I was really looking forward to seeing L today, but that shifted a bit this morning.  I think sometimes I feel braver when it's a few days away, but not so much when it's the actual day. 

I really wanted to talk about the email exchange from her friend the other day, the one in which I felt pangs of jealousy.  But somehow I couldn't get there.  I felt silly about it, like I was making too much out of it.  Instead we talked about a lot of different things, mostly inconsequential stuff.  I have to admit L does a really good job at getting me, and keeping me talking.  My last t, well actually not my 'last' t, but the t who meant the world to me and then crushed me, well she went more with the 'blank slate' approach.  I mean she shared personal things/stories with me, but I always had to start the conversation.  And unfortunately that meant we sat in silence alot, and I mean ALOT.

Eventually I was able to bring up the email exchange and tell her that it felt awkward for me.  But because I didn't do a good job explaining how it affected me, she understood it to mean that I just wasn't used to seeing her that way.  Like when you work with someone everyday for years and then out-of-the-blue you run into them in a social setting.  But that's not how it was for me, but I was too embarrassed to tell her. 

So that's how the session ended.  We did talk about a lot of different things, and because we have similar interests (we often share books) I always like talking non-therapy stuff with her, but when I leave knowing I didn't share what I really wanted to, well it leaves me feeling down, empty, and sad.  I remembering texting her once telling her it's like I went to a buffet but never ate.

When I left and got to my car I just sat there with the car running for a while.  Because of the holiday I won't see her for another week and I'm really frustrated with myself for not getting what I need, and now I have to sit with it.  But then some how I muster up the courage to text her.  Maybe it's the 'chicken' way out, but sometimes it allows me to stick my toe in water until I'm ready to jump in.  So I send this to her:

Me:  You know it's more of a jealous-thing than an out-of-context-thing

Once again, I know in an ideal world I should be saying the words out loud and not texting her, but at the moment it works for me.  When we first started texting it would take me a long time before I would actually press the send button. I would agonize over it for hours, and even then sometimes I still wouldn't send it.  But L and I have talked about that and she says I can text anything, anytime, as much as I want.  So as soon as I start agonizing I hear her voice in my head and I can usually quickly send it, and that's what I did this morning.

It's still so strange to me that the act of simply sending the text can give me such relief, and that's what happened this time.  So after sending it I was able to continue processing the session, and I was able to come up with some stuff that made me feel better.  That I could take with me to feel comfort.  It wasn't as comforting as if I'd have actually shared my thoughts/feelings in person, but I still was able to see some good.

And then, a couple hours later I get her response:

L:  Jealous, good, glad you shared that with me.  We will start next week with that, ok?  Together we can figure out this stuff and get into a better place. 

I am totally floored by that.  I was so nervous to read her response to my text that I held off for a while.  But in my smart-ass kind of way, I reply with:

Me:  Really?  Good? Start with it??? Can't we just start with 'nice weather' or 'how was your weekend', like normal people.

I wish I left feeling like I felt last Friday, but it certainly could be a lot worse.

I finally ran this weekend.  I haven't run in over a month, probably more like 6 weeks, and boy did I feel it last night.  But the weather was so nice how could I pass it up.  So while running (and the occassional walking!!) I was thinking about therapy and it occurred to me that I don't think therapy will necessarily change how I feel about things. I don't think I'll necessarily not feel a particular way about something, or more 'normal', it's just that maybe I'll accept how I feel.  I think I spend so much energy on hating how I feel about something that I don't actually deal with the feeling itself. 

Seems so basic, and yet I've complicated it.


I have to admit that I've really enjoyed the process of potentially buying the ice cream shop.  I know that 'ice cream' sounds like fun, and of course it is, but putting together a detailed plan for buying a business has been very stimulating and challenging.  I'm certainly a fish-out-of-water when it comes to this stuff, but it has really challenged me to reach out to a lot of people and ask lots of questions.

One of the areas that I've been focusing on is the marketing of the shop.  We're lucky in that they don't do much marketing now, in fact they don't do any, so there's plenty of opportunity for growth!  We do have a name for the place, but I want to put some money in hiring a marketing/graphic person to design a logo.  This logo would not only go on our signs, but I would want t-shirts/sweatshirts as well. 

In talking about the marketing opportunities with L she offered up a name to me.  In fact she called this person at the end of one of our sessions just to give him a heads-up.  She said it was totally up to me if I wanted to us him or not, but he would be happy to have an initial conversation with me and give me some advice on next steps.

So I finally called him the other day and we had a quick conversation.  He was in the middle of something so he asked me to send him an email with some more info and suggest a couple times when we could talk a little bit more.  It's strange, but I got this little 'rush' knowing I was dealing with someone that L knows.  Although, at the same time I just assumed it was someone that she knew more in-passing, like a distant acquaintance. 

However, when he replied back to my email it was apparent that their relationship was more personel.  Part of his reply stated that he was availaable for one of the times I listed, which was Wednesday afternoon.  In fact, he would be in the car driving up to L's place to have Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family and he could chat as he dove.  Huh?  Dinner with her and her family??

For some reason that completely through me.  And now, with my new found thought of not beating myself up over my feelings I have this strange desire to tell L.  To confess my jealously.  To which it only gets crazier.

A long time ago L confessed her school-girl-like crush on Steven Tyler.  Of course I joked and teased her about this, but I find that I can no longer listen to Aerosmith!

Weird, but true.

It may be a pre-therapy Ativan kind of day tomorrow........

This morning was one of those good sessions.  The kind where I leave and feel a warmth inside, much like hot chocolate on a cold day.

I know it's probably hard to tell from my posts but I really think I've made progress, and I think we're now getting to a deeper place, the place where I need to be.

We talked alot about the ice cream place today and it felt really good, and then we talked about the parallels between the process I've gone through with potentially buying this business and how I can take what I've learned and accomplished and use it in real life.

Normally I keep most things to myself, especially if they're not 'normal' or 'rational'. As someone who has worked in a corporate setting for over 20 years and by some standards 'climbed the ladder' and become a successful manager(leader?), the active pursuit of looking to be an ice cream shop owner seems a little strange and uncomfortable.  But oddly, at the same time as 'conservative' as my career path may seem, I'm definitely not traditional, so owning an ice cream shop really is more 'me'.

But what L was trying to get me to see was how different this experience has been for me.  I've put myself out there.  I've talked to almost anyone who was willing to listen, and have been pleasantly surprised with the supportive reactions I've gotten.  No one, at least to my face, has ridiculed the idea or said I'm crazy.  Most have not only been supportive they have even offered tangible help.  And being open, and vulnerable about this stage in my life has given me some confidence in being open about other less-fun things. 

We then talked more about attachment stuff, and my strong, torturous, or is it tumultuous reaction to her, and 2 other people in my life.  The overwhelming desire for a strong connection and the frailness of my feelings. We talked about my unwillingness to accept these feelings.  That I'm in constant internal turmoil and it affects me to the core.

She said it's ok for me to have sister/mother bond with her and that in 10 or 20 years she hopes that I still hear her voice in my head.

She also brought up that she'd like me to join a group; a women's group.  She said she's been thinking about one in particular that typically meets for 6 month stints.  Of course I colorfully debated this with her.  What the hell was she thinking?  A group of women???  No way.  I'd spend half my time making fun of them in my head, and then the other half the time I would be fighting with attachment crap.  I told her that I have enough trouble in couple's therapy, never mind a whole group of women!

She agreed that it would be very difficult for me at first, but she thinks I would greatly benefit from it.  I think I'll have to think about that for a while, a long while.

It was ok.  Not great, but I left feeling better.  Even though as I walked out of her office I sarcastically told her that I didn't.  It certainly wasn't one of those sessions where I talked alot, in fact she did most of the talking. 

She asked me if the text she sent on Thursday was too harsh (the one in which she said I have 'multiple assets'), I told her it was.  I told her that what I heard was 'suck it up'.  She said that wasn't what she meant.  I told her I also heard 'go talk to someone else'.  She said that wasn't the message she was trying to send.  She actually wishes I would have talked to her more, even texted her more.  In fact she would have preferred a phone call, but that's too scary for me right now.

That floored me.  In no way did I think she wanted me to talk to her more. I really thought she was sick of me,

I keep feeling like I'm too much, too needy, too dependent, too crazy.  She says I'm none of those things.  She says I don't ask for what I want. 

I told her that I hate how strong my reaction to her is, so we talked about that for a while.  So much of it is abandonment crap, and she also has to struggle with the ghost-of-my-therapist-past. She does really live in the shadows of what happened with Claire.  I wonder does that wound ever really heal, or is it like death in that you just learn to live with it.

Other than my daughter, L is the most important person in my life right now. Is that weird?  Of course I have other people that mean the world to me, but for some reason L draws the biggest reactions from me, both positive and negative.  Is that weird?

Today I can shake the feelings of wanting to touch base with her.  No particular reason.  I think I'm just sick of fighting with myself.  Maybe I'm ready to just simply accept what I feel?.........if it were only that easy.

Nothing really much to say, or write, but at the same time still wanting to.  I haven't exchanged any more texts with L but I am supposed to have an appointment with her tomorrow morning.  Not quite sure how I feel about that or what to expect.  I'm still angry with her and not trusting of her.  How do you trust someone enough to tell them you don't trust them? 

I keep trying to find a place where it doesn't matter so much to me, where she doesn't matter to me.  How do I get there?

I can't choose how I feel, right?  So I can't choose that she means so much.  Can I? 

So fine, I care, you matter.  Now how do I not let that crush me? 

And why can't I decide that she doesn't matter?  Why can't I just walk away?  Ahhhhh, this is the transference crap isn't it?  Actually which is the transference stuff, her mattering too much or my over reaction?

Will I ever run out of irrational thoughts?  And even though I hate the continued exchange, at the same time it was like a release for me.

(last night's text)
Me:  I'm trying to figure out a way not to hate you right now.  my head knows better, but the 3 year old is winning.

L: Don't let the 3 year old win you are a woman with multiple assets use them in creating a better feeling.  I am here I just can't see you tomorrow but I'm happy to see you monday, I have some openings

After getting that response from her I was able to put it somewhat out of my mind for a while.  But now that I've just reread and typed it I see that she is starting to push me away.  It's hidden in 'you are a woman with multiple assets use them....'.  Why wrap it that way instead of just saying it out right 'go talk to someone else'.

I'm not a 'spot' or an 'opening'.  You said the dependence was good, was ok, so now that I've taken the bait it's time to release me?

On a completely different note, and the main reason I was able to distract myself from transference hell last night was that we went and saw a medium......yes, a medium, someone who talks to the dead.  I don't even know how to describe it. She was way to accurate and provided too much detail for it not to be true, but at the same time it's not something I can wrap my head around.  Was my dad really in that room, did he really say those things?  There's no way she could have known those things, or have been so spot on with her description of my dad.  Not his physical description, but the man, and the father he was. 

I'll have to write more about it later.

More irrational thoughts....

Normally I see L every Friday at 7:30am, along with another day during the week, usually Tuesday.  But this week I saw her Tuesday, freaked out and saw her again Wednesday night.  When I was leaving she asked about my Friday morning appointment, and of course inside the struggle starts.  My real initial reaction is 'Absolutely, you know I'd come everyday if you let me, in fact I'll just sleep in your office overnight and save myself some gas'.  But then the thoughts of 'what's the matter with you, three times in one week, that's crazy, and there's no way she wants to see you again...'.  So what comes out of my mouth is 'No, let's just hold off until next week'.

Then phase 2 kicks in.  I start regretting not keeping the appointment.  My thoughts become completely consumed around this. I finally decided to text to see if I can still see her on Friday morning.

Then phase 3, the waiting.  But it's actually not too bad, I've become better at it, more confident that she'll be there for me.

Then phase 3a, more waiting.  This time it's been more than 12 hours since I sent the message.  I start going down the 'she hates me' rabbit hole, but I quickly pull myself out of it, telling myself that she probably didn't even get the message, so I resend the text.

Now the just-got-kicked-in-the-stomach phase, she replies back with 'Sorry, left my phone at home I filled that spot yesterday'

The sad-realization phase starts, "I filled that spot?  So I'm really just a fucking spot? Why do I do this to myself? and really, she filled a Friday at 7:30 in the morning appointment that just became available?  Seriously? Bullshit.  And why didn't she offer another time?"

Then I get another text "I could do something Friday night'. 

I start to fall for that, like maybe she does care.  But then I realize that I can't do this Friday night I have tickets to a performance, and she knows that, we've talked about it a bunch of times. 

However, I give her the benefit of the doubt, tell her I have to leave by 5:00pm to go to the show (you know, the one we've talked about 100 times!) and ask if she could do any earlier.  And I get back "No, sorry"

Fuck you.

Now I know my reaction isn't normal and what happened probably isn't a reflection of how she feels towards me, and I know I'm behaving like a three year old, but knowing all that doesn't change how I feel.

This is so silly, but all I want to do is go home, crawl into bed, and shut the world off.  I will stew about this for the next 4 days, debating back and forth about seeing her next Tuesday morning.  I don't want to need her.  I don't want it to matter to me.  I just want to take my ball and go home.

Warning:  This may not make sense to anyone but me, and even then I'm not so sure.....


Why can't I accept this 'relationship'?  I told L yesterday that I didn't want it to matter to me, that's my goal.  She asked me 'how's that working for you?' knowing damn well the answer, 'It's not working for me!'.

I also know (only in my head) that I feel better, much, much better when I do accept how much she means to me, but I keep fighting it.  Why?

After interviewing numerous T's a couple years ago I knew right away after meeting L that I wanted to work with her.  It's this weird sense that I get from certain people, that I feel a fairly instant connection.  It doesn't happen very often.

It's like I go merrily along for a while, and then stuff builds up inside me and I finally crack. I met with L on Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon I sent this text:

Me:  Do you know what's worse than you leaving?  The day we meet when you come back.  Too many (stupid) high hopes.  I wish I said more, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say.  Sorry for the ranty-like text, just left feeling angry, or maybe frustrated.  Like I went to a banquet but I didn't eat.  In some places I see progress and in others I see the same old crap.  And I'm really sorry for directing this at you, it's not fair to you, I get that.  When does 'being normal' kick in?  Are you keeping me at bay for a reason?  Is there a reason I can't know where you went?  Is there a reason that I want to know?  Sorry, too much crap floating around.  I think my reason for seeing you isn't healthy, what I want isn't 'normal', 'pathetic' comes to mind.......probably shouldn't have sent this, just drama.  Mostly just pissed at me.

L:  Not pissed at you I want to help you say things, good, bad, indifferent.  I want to hear you.  I don't want you to leave feeling badly.

So I text her Wednesday morning asking if she had time to meet, and thank goodness she did. 

I go in all anxiety-ridden, my heart racing, talking to fast, and avoiding a serious conversation by being avoidantly-funny(I'm sure this is a word).

I am able to get some stuff out, but only some, although I think she understands.  She tells me that everything I've expressed is normal, that I'm not crazy, that it's ok to need her.  I continue to fight it.  I tell her that I hate that I can't give her back a book that she had lent me.  I finished it months ago, but I'm unwilling to part with it.  She said it's ok to want a 'transitional object', and she has clients who have taken pictures of them together and they hold on to that.  She reiterated "nothing wrong with that'. 

Of course in my most sarcastic, wise-ass tone I tell her first 'as far as I'm concerned you don't have any other clients, and second, of course there's something wrong with it, that's why they give it a special name 'transitional object'!  I don't want these fucking feelings.  I don't want it to matter.

Why?

There are other people in my life that matter to me and I don't fight those feelings, and they also don't consume me.

I haven't had a 'text banter' with L in a while, but we had one yesterday.  She's away at some conference (or so she says) so we don't get to meet for our normally scheduled Friday morning session.  Ok, I admit that I really like seeing her twice a week, I think we've accomplished so  much more, and the Friday sessions are usually the best.  Maybe not always the most productive, but I guess that's in the eye of the beholder! 

So when we were talking on Wednesday about her being gone for the rest of the week (can you say 'abandonement'??!!) she was trying to assure me that she was still available, and she's not leaving, and she'll be back.  In my most adult tone I told her that I'm convinced that she'll be dumping me soon and that she'll probably be moving to Iceland! 

So with that little background, here's our exchange from Wednesday night to Thursday:

Me:  Picked up a communication board at lunch.....and I heard a rumor that your conference was cancelled :).....can't blame a girl for trying

Me:  So how's Iceland?  Friday morning won't be the same.

Me:  Maybe I'll just go hang out in your parking lot.

L: Iceland is great but I will not be staying past Monday promise

Me:  You could have said it was horrible...would have made me feel better

L: Feel better beautiful day all is good

Me:  Dark and brooding.....not really, just putting out the catholic guilt

L:  Catholic guilt is a powerful thing use it well

Me:  It appears you're immune to it, need to find a backup plan

L:  Not necessary straight forward is the best communication for me

Me:  I guess that's my backup plan

I'm sure many therapist wouldn't be comfortable with texting, and I totally get that.  It certainly is wrought with potential pitfalls, and we've definitely had our issues, but when it works, it really works.  Just this brief exchange allowed me to continue feeling connected to L, and I'm just gonna try and enjoy that ........at least for today, or this moment.

I sometimes wonder if I'm my own worse enemy.  Maybe I dwell too much in the land of 'everything is crap'.  To quote Monty Python maybe I should 'always look on the bright side of life'.  Does this blog keep me in therapy-emotional-hell?  Should I try and focus on good/funny things that happen in my life and write about that? 

L was telling me yesterday that as much as I want to be the dark-brooding type, I'm really not.  But I really, really want to be.  Who would I be if I'm not that person?  Maybe it's just all in my head.  Why would I not want to give that up?

L and I were talking today about me hating that I need her, that I'm overly dependent on her, that I like (sort of) seeing her twice a week.  She keeps telling me that what I'm feeling is 'ok' but I keep fighting it.  I don't want to need her, it just feels like it's too much.  Fuck

I know that when I accept how I feel about her I do actually feel better, but then the doubts creep in, or some trust is broken and it's like a house of cards that just come tumbling down.  This constant push-pull is gonna wear me out. 

Normally I would see her again this Friday but she's away at a conference.  Hate that.  She said she's still available via phone, although she said she knows that I would never call but I can text all I want.  I did send her a wise-ass text a few minutes ago '.....I heard a rumor that your conference got cancelled :).......can't blame a girl for trying.'

I feel like such a therapy freak.  Is it really ok to need someone so much?

She said today that someday I'll laugh about this.  That I'll realize that these feelings of dependency won't always be there and right now it's sort of like a means to an end.

Just random musings.....

Went to a funeral today and during the service I kept wondering what kind of legacy will I leave?  Will I have impacted people's lives in a positive way?  Will I be described with kindness, not contempt?  I guess I better make a better effort!

After the funeral I was talking with some friends of the deceased, they must have been in their late 70's and they were describing how thankful they were for their lives, and their health.  They both admit having gone through tough times but they both concluded that every day they wake up is a good day.  I want to adopt that attitude.

We met with current owners of the ice cream shop over the weekend, and it went really, really well.  They weren't expecting us (their season doesn't end until next weekend) but they invited us in and gave us a full tour of the shop, answered all kinds of questions, gave us some ideas for expansion, and even gave us some recipes!  We'll meet again the Saturday after Thanksgiving and that's when will get done to the details and figures (although they did share some high level figures the other day).  Then assuming everything looks doable I'll finish the business plan and start begging banks for money.  We have a realtor coming this weekend to asses our house so we can start to put it on the market.  The shop that we're buying as an attached house so we would live there.  It's starting to feel real!

My therapist L has to go to a conference at the end of this week so she won't be available in person on Thursday and Friday.  Why does that bother me?  Like she's leaving me.  I know it's not true, but I still feel sad about it. 

However, on the flip-side I did cancel my first appointment with her on Monday.  Due to her going away I was scheduled to see her Monday and Wednesday this week.  But I decided as I just saw her Friday that I didn't really 'need' to see her on Monday.  That's never happened before, I ALWAYS jump at the chance to see her, but I was mostly ok with not going.