It was another good session today. When I got up this morning I actually didn't feel like going, which has probably happened twice in my therapy-life. It wasn't (in this case) that I was trying to avoid anything (mostly) it was just that I was tired and it was Monday morning and it was cold and I just wanted to stay in bed a little longer. But it was too late to cancel, and I'm glad I didn't.
She started with wanting to know if I wanted to hear 'the list', but I told her no I really didn't, it's just too hard for me. She tried to get in a few really nice things, but I talked over her a bit with some inane banter (nice weather, did you see the game yesterday...etc) she go the hint, so we did our usual tradition of a slow entry. Luckily I go for 90 minutes which usually allows me plenty of warm up time. A couple cute kid stories, funny things she said, like using the word 'sympatico' in a sentence this weekend. Seriously, what 5 year old does that!
I also saw my mother this weekend, and that's always good for 20 minutes of filler. Especially since my mother was having a rough day yesterday. She has Parkinson's and her mind is getting worse and worse. It's one of those diseases where the drugs cause as many issues as the disease itself. I know how terrible this probably sounds, but we didn't like each other much when I was growing up, so my patience with her right now is very minimal and I get easily frustrated with her.
We also talked about the ice cream store for a while. There's still lots going on, and we're even going to go look at a different place the week after next. The downside to this second place is that the store is leased. The upside is that it's located in a great community and it's a hell of a lot cheaper. I'm also starting to getting a little nervous about making such a drastic change in my life, in our lives. My salary will be cut in half, if we're lucky. But I also think it's healthy to be a little worried, so I'm not freaking out too much.
We even talked about alter-egos for a while, and who would portray us in the movie if I ever got around to writing a book. This was actually a pretty funny conversation. She said that she thought Holly Hunter should play me, but I think I'm more of an Amy Madigan-type. For her we started with Sigourney Weaver, but then at the end she also suggested Susan Sarandon, which I totally agree with, but I told her that I wish she didn't suggest that. Cause I think of Susan Sarandon as the perfect mother-type, and with my mother-type transference with L, well, it just plays games with my head! So tonight I'll either have to watch Thelma and Louise, Dead Man Walking, Little Women, or Bull Durham!
Finally, I knew in my head that I still needed/wanted to talk about 'the list', and also how I feel about L and my neediness. She's so amazing and supportive. She totally normalizes what's going on for me. She said she was really impressed with me reading from my blog and she's amazed at me (which caused me to break out into song 'Maybe I'm amazed....'). She said she learned alot about me as well. I asked her to say more. She said like the stuff about my mother and how deep and present it still is. She said she knew it, but somehow me verbalizing it gave her some clarity. She also said it made her want to hold my hand more, figuratively speaking.
I asked her about the cravings and the insatiable feelings. She said those are all ok. In fact my problem isn't those feelings, it's that I fight them. She also said I frustrate myself when I leave and not say or talk about everything, so she was very happy that after the talk today I still was able to bring it back and get some questions asked. She's so right, it's me who gets frustrated and then when I leave I can't seem to let it go. She said that's why she wants me to text, so I don't walk around all frustrated. But she said the ultimate goal was to have me address anything, and everything with her, as it happens.
So I think that's like 2 sessions in a row that were really positive. That maybe a new record for me. Let's see if we can go for 3 on Thursday.
When I was in therapy, my therapist suggested I keep a journal. She said she didn't care what I wrote about as long as each journal entry ended with a gratitude statement. Since I was a blogger from way back when, I decided to do my "journal" in blog form, thus Mildred Ratched Memoirs was born. My early entries all had gratitude statements at the end. Somedays I had to really reach for something to be thankful for (one gratitude statement revealed I was thankful for not having hemmroids), but somehow I did it.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere early into my journaling, my therapist who I lovingly called my "yoyo inspector" started reading my blog and each session I had with her we discussed my topics. She never commented on my blog due to ethical issues, but she always read what I wrote. I was not only flattered that she took the time to weed through my nonsense, but was also relieved because it was a great way to break the ice and just jump into the cesspool that ocassionally stinks up my life. I often wonder if she still drops in from time to time to check up on me now that I'm no longer in therapy.
Thanks MR. I hear ya about the gratitude statements (and who wouldn't be thankful for not having hemmroids)and maybe I'll try it.
ReplyDeleteAfter about 3 months of blogging I finally told L and asked her to read it. Well, my reaction to her reading it was horrible, really horrible. So she promised to never, ever read it again. However, after reading an entry last week to her I wondered the same thing, that if I die would she go read my blog. I sort of hope so. Maybe I'll ask her. Along the same lines, would she come to my wake/funeral if I died? And could I come to hers?
I hope your old T checks up on from time to time.