Monday, December 19, 2011

I'm not quite sure what possessed me, but I sent my ex-T C a Christmas card. I didn't put anything special on it, it's the same card that the rest of our friends and family got.  Like I do every year, I made a collage of pictures taken during the year.  This years theme was 'blessings and being thankful', so it had pictures of us in Disney, our daughter's first day of kindergarten, a picture from our summer vacation...etc.

Maybe I wanted C to see that I was happy? I know part of me still holds out hope that she'll want to talk with me some day and help me resolve the issues I have with how she terminated with me. 

I sort of feel a little silly, probably more like pathetic that I still think about her and what happened.  Actually 'pathetic' used to be how I felt about it, now it's more a feeling of 'sadness'.  It makes me sad

I sort of feel bad about bringing this up to L.  Mainly because I didn't send her a card.  I know I could have but it didn't seem necessary.  I usually see L twice a week so she knows how I am, and hell, she's probably seen the pictures I put on the card.  But I don't want her to feel slighted.  L had given me so much and she definitely knows me way better than C does, or ever did, but there's something about C that I can't shake. 

Maybe it was the hurt.  I don't think I've ever been so decimated as I was with C.  She really started me on my therapy-for-therapy path.  And now, over 6 years later, it's still with me.  Thank goodness with the help and support of L I'm certainly at a way better place with it, but the fact that 'it' is still there concerns me.


  1. You are lucky to have L now. But I can understand your feelings for C. Secretly, I think I also wish that someday V will want to sit down with me to work things out. But that will never happen of course. I guess the hurt will always be there.

  2. Thanks Polar Bear, and you're right, I am lucky to have L she really is amazing (and I don't mean it in a she's-on-a-pedestal kind of way) I talked to her today about sending C the card, and she was so funny, right in the middle of me telling her she stopped me and said 'For the record, I would always look forward to receiving a card from you, so if you're ever in doubt, you don't have to be with me'

    I hope you're doing ok PB.

  3. Reading this confirms to me that I won't be able to shake my former t for a long, long time. I seem to think about her and our ending all the time even though it's been eight months now since I last saw her. Yah, the hurt. I think it's awesome that you have L and her support.

  4. lostinamaze I think part of my reason for writing in my blog about ex-t C was so others would know that it's definitely possible to get past a heart-wrenching termination.
    Since ending with C I've gone through 5 different therapists before finding L. And yes, thank goodness I did, but it wasn't easy. And I think if I was more honest with myself I probably could have made it a little easier. In my gut I knew what I was looking for but I didn't keep pushing myself, instead I just kept hoping I would feel better.
    Some day I'll probably write a bit more about my life-in-therapy and all the twists and turns. But please know you can 'get better', but listen to your head, heart, and keep pushing.
    Being with L is hard, but I'm making progress, and then heartache from ex-T does not have the same hold over me as it once did.
    Good lucj