Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Where is the line?  And who draws it?  And is it immovable?  And is it the same for everyone?

She said today that yes, we are friends.  But I think she meant that we are also many other things.  She asked me today if I had romantic feelings towards her, she had asked that once before. Like before, today I slowly answered 'no'.  I think the slowness was due to thoughtfulness not hesitancy. 

She said that I could ask her anything I wanted.  So I asked her what her favorite color was.  Talk about wasting a lifeline.

I cringed inside, and probably outside when she used the words 'my boyfriend', even though she explained later that the term was being applied to a non-romantic friend of hers. 

I want to take all of it in.  I want to swim in it, but fear it will drown me. What she offers is so enticing, so why don't I give in?  Guilt?  Shame?

I asked her why she does it, she replied it was to give me a good life.

I was hoping I could sit and ramble, but that didn't happen, instead I kept her at a distance.

Where do all these feelings and longings come from?  It seems so trite to say it's from childhood, it feels like so much more.  Yet at the same time it feels all made up in my head, nothing more than drama.


  1. oh that line ... that horrid little line! I question it all the time. Is she crossing it? Am I crossing it? Will I know and will she tell me if I am? And really, those are the questions I asked Daisy.

    It sounds like the conversation was difficult to take in, but it was good that she the conversation was had (or started). It takes a good dynamic to talk about difficult things. Just take it one step at a time.

    Those feelings and longings come (at least for me) from all the unmet needs as a child - from adults that should've taken care of those needs, but didn't (for whatever reason). It does get better, I promise ... but I do understand what you're saying.

  2. Thanks for understanding what I'm saying Amanda,although I'm not sure I understand. I've been in a weird place the past few days.