Friday, December 9, 2011

I can't understand why I don't feel better today.  I guess by 'better' I mean why do I still have the need/craving to talk to or contact Li?

I have been thinking all day about the session yesterday and my inability to remember the details.  I know after I read it to her she made a comment saying that she learned a lot about me, but I don't think she ever said what she meant. 

But this insatiable need is frustrating.  I really thought, or hoped that by opening up to her that I would feel some sense of relief.  I guess I did yesterday, but not so much today.

I tried to distract myself with work, but it was futile and I finally gave in early this afternoon and texted her:

Me: I figured if I opened up yesterday that would quench some of the need to keep reaching out to you.  Not as anxious, just needy......and preoccupied.

L: Preoccupation with what?

Me: Generally the conversation yesterday.  I realize that I don't actually remember alot of the details.  Like what part of my blog did I read out loud and what parts did I skip.  Or what specifically did you say when you responded?  I mean I know it was good and I left feeling good, but I'm not exactly sure why.  Maybe I  really do delete you?  So I've been trying t remember details, but instead I have questions.  Weird but true.

L: So ask questions if you need details remembered

Me:  It was probably when I had my fingers in my ears and singing Frosty

L:  Yes, but now you can ask questions and some day in real time you will be able to, promise.

Me:  So what did you learn about me from reading the rambly blog?  Maybe tough to respond but maybe we can discuss on Tuesday....I'll try and hold out til then

L: I would like to respond for me but for me better in person, i am not great with texting.

Me: I know that texting doesn't work so well hence the hesitancy to ask. Just wish I could put it aside until we can talk.  Thanks

L:  You can ask now

Me:  Thanks, but I guess it's more of a discussion.  Some day I'll talk more and won't have a million things running through my head.  Have a nice weekend.

Hmmmm, I wonder if talking more isn't my only issue, maybe I need to listen more as well?


  1. I tend to block out some of what my T says also, though I've never tried the Frosty the Snowman method. :-) It's good I think that you've become aware of that. And sometimes also I'll ask the T a question, then right away say, don't even answer that. Because suddenly I don't want to listen to anything he says.

    It's an odd phenomenon for me, and you sound similar in this.

  2. What's even strange is I block out good stuff. It feels like that's even more painful/difficult to hear. I think it has to do with me not being able to believe it. Like I'm being tricked, which is a common theme for me.
    Thanks Ellen