Thursday, December 8, 2011

I've been trying to write this entry since yesterday but I just can't seem to.

The session went well, really well actually.  I brought in what I wrote the other day about what was going through my head when I shut down from her.  Thank goodness I have 90 minute sessions, cause it too me close to an hour to actually start reading it out loud, and even then I edited it a bit (like saying 'blah, blah, blah, instead of the actual words), I was probably still able to say at least 85% of what I wrote. 

Unfortunately I can't really remember the exact details of her reply.  Don't get me wrong, I know it was great and supportive, and I left feeling really good, but I'm struggling to pullup her exact words to hang on to, like as proof.

But at the same time it's probably my own fault for not being able to remember, I think even though it was all good, really good stuff, I'm pretty sure I shut part of her out (new realization for me).  You see sometimes when I'm about to tell her something and if I'm afraid of her response I tell her she can't say anything. I think the reason I do that is because if it's a bad reply, then I'll be crushed, and if it's a good reply, well I won't believe her.  So a sort of damned-if-she does, damned-if-she-doesn't. 

Unfortunately, or maybe for me it's fortunately, L has trouble with not-talking.  Something for myself that I can't imagine.  So yesterday after I was finally able to read blog entry she started to respond to some of the things that I had written.  But I mostly stopped her in a very adult way......I stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing Christmas carols.  It was actually pretty funny.  So she'd stop for a few minutes and when she tried again I would start singing over her again. 

So I'm sorry I can't supply the details, but maybe, at least for now, knowing I left feeling safe and connected is enough.  She really is amazing and supportive. I'm not sure if this is what a typical therapeutic relationship is supposed to feel like, or I'm just lucky to have found her.  And I know her reaction to that statement would be that she's lucky to have found me. 

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