I know this sounds sort of whiny but I feel so bad.
I normally see L twice a week, usually on Tuesday and Thursday/Friday, and almost always at 7:30 in the morning. Well yesterday I came home sick from work, slept for 2 hours and then was back in bed at 7:30pm. Nothing too horrendous, just feeling crappy, headache, stomachache, got my period, got a cold coming on....etc. So this morning I get up at 5:30am to get ready to see L. My partner M wakes up and ask me how I feel and based on my response she suggests that I cancel with L and get back in to bed to get a couple more hours of sleep. I knew I had to go to work, but another hour of sleep sounded enticing. I figured I could catch L before she left her house, so I sent her a text at 5:45am.
After not hearing back from her, an hour later at 6:55am I called and left a voice mail. I then sent another text at 7:25am. Still no response back from her. Finally at 8:35am as I'm driving to work I finally get a text back from her.
L: I didn't get the message until now hope everything is ok
and then another minute later
L: Feel better let me know what works for next week
Now I'm feeling so terrible, like I don't appreciate her time. I definitely could have gone. In fact I should have gone. Instead of going back to sleep my partner and I had a fight. Another difference in the way we approach child rearing. But I digress....
As I continue to drive to work I send her this text(yea, I know I shouldn't be texting and driving...):
Me: Sorry, I feel really bad about you not getting my message...does Tues and Thurs next week work
Because she doesn't respond right away, not that she has to of course, I continue working myself up into a panic and feeling like an ass. She hates me, I should have gone, she dragged herself out of bed, I really wasn't that sick...etc.
So when I finally get to work I have to call her. This is something that I rarely do, we communicate mostly via text, but I have to talk to her. Normally I would have felt better afterwards, not that I should be let off the hook, but I was hoping not to feel so bad, but not this time. I repeat my apology and she tells me that normally she would have had her phone and would have gotten the texts and/or voice mails, but it was just a fluke. She tells me she's glad I kept the germs to myself and we can probably meet any morning next week, but she'll have to check and get back to me later. I apologize again and hang up.
Partly I'm wrought with guilt, and partly I'm sad.
I don't believe I've ever cancelled with L. The wait in between sessions is so painful, and the craving to see her is so strong I always thought I'd have to be completely immobilized in order to 'choose' not to see her. And this morning I was well aware of that, and I checked with myself to make sure I would be ok with it. In fact I thought maybe it was progress that I would choose not to see her. Boy, what was I thinking......