Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I'm never quite sure if texting her is a sign of progress or not.  L thinks it is, but I'm not convinced.  Maybe I would feel better if it wasn't such a strong need? Or is the strong need not a bad thing, like it's better for me if I learn to live with not controlling everything?

I sent her this today:

Me:  Do you think I'll get to a point where I'll just look at you as a 'therapist'?  Both for the good stuff and the bad stuff?  Not that I want to but I feel like I'm fooling myself, at least for the good stuff.  And question 2, is the insatiable feeling there because I'm holding too much in?

I sometimes feel like if I could handle this 'therapy relationship' then I would be ok, does that make sense?  Or is learning to handle this relationship part of the deal? 

Then sometimes I wonder if I wasn't freaking out about it, what would we talk about?

And then the other view, do I freak out/obsess so I can avoid other things?  More painful issues?  I can't imagine, for me, a more painful issue. 

And please, don't write the obvious "Maybe if you stop therapy you won't need therapy".


  1. It makes perfect sense to me. I think a good part of therapy, at least for me, is in learning how to handle the therapeutic relationship. I say this because it was the toughest part of therapy for me. And maybe if I could get to the place of 'handling' it I could also transfer this into my general relationships. It's all very painful though.

  2. With that last sentence (please don't write the obvious....) - it's as if you are horribly afraid someone out here is going to criticize you for trying to work through your attachment issues in therapy. It won't be me, and I doubt it would be other readers of your blog. Stopping therapy wouldn't solve these problems at all of course, if you were to take such a snarky comment seriously.

    Your post is reminding me of something I read recently, I think it was On Becoming a Person - that a part of therapy is learning to tolerate the good feelings towards the therapist that emerge, to learn that it's OK to feel that way. That was a new thought for me anyway.

  3. I could feel so much from this post - perhaps a bit of projection on my part. "And question 2, is the insatiable feeling there because I'm holding too much in?" I wonder the same thing.

    I'm curious to hear/read what she wrote back. I am noticing that I'm so interested in what your therapist has to say simply because I'm afraid to ask my own the questions you're asking.

    I don't have any answers to the questions you asked, but I feel like you're headed in the right direction - you're asking questions and that is HUGE in therapy.

  4. If it were only possible to take the three of you with me to see L tomorrow, that would be awesome!!
    @LIAM, I'm sorry the relationship part is so hard for you too, but thanks for validating the way it affects me too.
    @Ellen, I'm sorry about the 'please don't write the obvious....' I think that was more directed at me than anyone else. But at the same time, you're right, even I shouldn't put up with my own snarky comment.
    @Amanda, she actually didn't respond because I followed up my text with another one asking if she had time tomorrow, which she does, so instead of a nice easy text, now I have to talk about it in person. I'll post tomorrow

    Thanks again!