I'm never quite sure if texting her is a sign of progress or not. L thinks it is, but I'm not convinced. Maybe I would feel better if it wasn't such a strong need? Or is the strong need not a bad thing, like it's better for me if I learn to live with not controlling everything?
I sent her this today:
Me: Do you think I'll get to a point where I'll just look at you as a 'therapist'? Both for the good stuff and the bad stuff? Not that I want to but I feel like I'm fooling myself, at least for the good stuff. And question 2, is the insatiable feeling there because I'm holding too much in?
I sometimes feel like if I could handle this 'therapy relationship' then I would be ok, does that make sense? Or is learning to handle this relationship part of the deal?
Then sometimes I wonder if I wasn't freaking out about it, what would we talk about?
And then the other view, do I freak out/obsess so I can avoid other things? More painful issues? I can't imagine, for me, a more painful issue.
And please, don't write the obvious "Maybe if you stop therapy you won't need therapy".