She brought me a half coffee/half hot chocolate this morning. I wonder why, although I'm not going to over think it so much that I lose how much it meant to me. Maybe because we talked about Christmas cards last session and I told her that I would bring her in one so she wanted to bring me something? Maybe because tis the season right now and it's our last session before Christmas so she was in a giving mood?
Isn't it funny that such a simple act can carry so much meaning. It's comforting to know she was thinking of me this morning before even seeing me. And this was such a tangible act there's no way I could deny that she was thinking of me.
She was dressed very casually today too, which is very different for her. She almost always is dressed nicely either in a skirt or a dress, but today was jeans, So between that and the hot chocolate, it felt very relaxed, or should I say 'I' felt very relaxed.
I looked at her a lot more today than I normally do too. Usually, and especially if I'm the one talking I look down at the floor, but today I noticed that I was a bit more comfortable making eye contact
Amongst a whole bunch of other things, we talked more about our relationship today. She really wants to normalize it for me and normalize how I feel. I have such a hard time believing that she's real and that the relationship is real. I'm always looking for the tangibles, I'm always trying to logicalize (we agreed that this should be a word) the relationship and I how I feel about it. But she keeps trying to reassure me that what I'm feeling is ok and appropriate. That I'm not crazy and it's ok to depend on her. She also wants me to try and believe that it won't always feel like this. That we'll work together to find a good place for it.
I also told her that even though I felt good and connected when I left her office on Tuesday, by Wednesday I was struggling with trying to hold on to it. It certainly wasn't as bad as it normally is and I still was able to get some stuff done, which normally I wouldn't have when I struggle. Typically it becomes all encompassing for me, but yesterday it was more background noise. I struggled with wanting to text her, and she reassured me that I can always text, even if I don't have a 'real' reason. It's so odd to me that sometimes a simple 5 - 10 minute text exchange with her can make me feel so good.
We talked a lot about attachment and probably how my first 3 years were and how that affected my ability (or inability) to form strong relationships. She says however, because of positive things that I also experienced I am capable of forming strong bonds, it's just that I have a huge aversion to it. So the good news is that I can do it and I want to do it, it's just getting me past the fear.
On the drive to her office this morning I was thinking about giving her a hug, and maybe it's more like getting a hug from her? But either way I was hoping that it would be that kind of session, and that I would work up the courage. The strange thing is that I know she would be ok with it, we've hugged in the past and it was always welcomed and good, but it's still uncomfortable for me. Unfortunately I didn't work up the nerve. Hopefully next week.
I did send her a text a few minutes ago:
Me: Thanks again for the hot chocolate, both the drink and the hot chocolate-like feelings.