I think I had a bit of an anxiety attack this morning. I was sitting with my daughter and we were sewing a Build-a-Bear and my heart, and mind started to race. While sitting and sewing my mind also drifted back to my feelings about L and my asking her for another session this Friday. I'm happy that she's available, but at the same time I regret asking.
I just want to curl up on her couch and stay forever.
She is so many things to me, friend, confidant, mother, coach, muse mentor, sister.
She says she wants to build a strong relationship so I can see how good it feels and I will then want it from others. That someday I won't need to get it all from her. What if that doesn't happen?
I wish I had the courage to tell her that I think about her day and night. I play out scenes in my head. Some are just me revisiting our sessions and sometimes I think about how I would like our next session to go. Sometimes I wish she would sit on the couch next to me, her arm around my shoulder, and me just crying in her arms.
I wish I had the strength and courage to share all this with her, but instead I'm embarrassed by the intensity and what I perceive to be inappropriate.