Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I think I had a bit of an anxiety attack this morning.  I was sitting with my daughter and we were sewing a Build-a-Bear and my heart, and mind started to race.  While sitting and sewing my mind also drifted back to my feelings about L and my asking her for another session this Friday.  I'm happy that she's available, but at the same time I regret asking.

I just want to curl up on her couch and stay forever.

She is so many things to me, friend, confidant, mother, coach, muse mentor, sister.

She says she wants to build a strong relationship so I can see how good it feels and I will then want it from others.  That someday I won't need to get it all from her.  What if that doesn't happen?

I wish I had the courage to tell her that I think about her day and night.  I play out scenes in my head.  Some are just me revisiting our sessions and sometimes I think about how I would like our next session to go. Sometimes I wish she would sit on the couch next to me, her arm around my shoulder, and me just crying in her arms.

I wish I had the strength and courage to share all this with her, but instead I'm embarrassed by the intensity and what I perceive to be inappropriate.


  1. I don't think your feelings are inappropriate. I do think they are transference feelings. They would not be the feelings you would have in a regular relationship, at least not all of the time, so I'm a little surprised at your T saying that. They seem like primal attachment feelings - very powerful.

    I feel strong positive feelings about my T as well - especially when I'm not actually in a session. But I also feel anger and a bunch of other things, which I'm learning he can also handle, luckily.

  2. I agree with Ellen, your feelings are not inappropriate. I feel that they are normal for what is taking place. I understand what you're saying though ... sometimes it feels too much and too awkward to bring up in therapy. Perhaps start small and mention that you're thinking of her outside of sessions and go from there.

    She sounds like an intuitive therapist and she must have gone through this with others before you - and she knows how to go about working through it.

    I am in a similar place though and should not give you advice that I will not take as well. Let's both try, eh?

  3. Hi - I found your blog by accident and I'm so glad I did. You see in being brave enough to write down exactly what you feel, you have helped me to realise that I am not alone in what I'm experiencing and first experienced ten years ago.

    When I read what you feel it takes my breath away because it's exactly what I am feeling or have felt. For a long time I have thought I must be really weird, crazy even but at the same time I'd think I can't be because I recognise that what I'm feeling is wrong. The guilt and shame kick in and there doesn't seem to be a way out. My situation is different to yours but the feelings you describe are a mirror image. I know what you're feeling and I know how consuming it is. I know how it bloody well hurts and I know how scary it is to imagine a future where the person you long to just hold you is no longer available.
    Thank you for your blog. There is very little about this issue.

  4. Thanks for stopping by Anonymous. I'm sorry you've experienced similar pain but I'm glad reading my blog helped. I too have found some relief by reading others blogs.

  5. Just thinking of you and hoping you are well (and checking in to make sure you're okay) ...

  6. Hey Amanda, thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it. I'm mostly ok, although today's the first day back at work since Christmas so I'm a little cranky! I actually started to post last night, while watching my 5 year old in the tub, but then I screwed up and lost the post and too tired to rewrite it.
    How's things with you? You doing ok?