Sunday, August 7, 2011

The 'want' is not as great right now, but I also know I'm fooling myself.

I hate that you're away and I'm not in your thoughts.

I know if I sent you a message, or god-forbid called you it may do more harm than good.

None of this is real, not even you, and probably not even me.

Vacations are the reminder(at least one of the reminders).

What I want is inappropriate.  I want more.  I want to matter, to be thought of, to be cared about, without limitations.  And I know I have not right seeking that from you.

It will always be too much.  I will always be too much.


  1. So this is how I see this longing for 'more' - it's not true that it's inappropriate, but it can't be satisfied in the way we imagine. We may wish the therapist to become our perfect mother / father, but they just can't move in with us and become that for us. It's actually appropriate to feel that in therapy IMO, as opposed to ITRW, because hopefully you can work through it. Therapist vacations are yet another reminder that this relationship is partly business, though it feels emotional to us, and this is painful. I struggle with this also, though maybe not as much as you do.

    If the therapist was available to us in real life, as a lover would be say, then also it wouldn't satisfy because then their real life personalities would emerge and problems would happen.

    The therapist always being available is a fantasy that could never be fulfilled. That doesn't mean we are bad for having it. I know you already know this, but I like to remind myself also. Sorry for going on, I'm interested in this topic as you can see. take care

  2. It's weird (or I'm weird) but although I somehow want 'more' I'm not sure what that means. I don't I want her to be a perfect parent, or to be my mother.
    Maybe I just wish she was more available to me, but I also know that she's incredibly available to me. It's not her who limits the contact, it's me.
    I guess I just don't beleive her when she says it's ok to depend on her, to reach out to her as much as I like.

    Today, I did a stupid thing and texted it. It wasn't some overwhelming need, but for some reason I did it anyway. I simply said 'I was checking to make sure she was still there'. She responded about 8 hours later with 'still on vacation'.

    That was a crappy response. I wanted more. Something more reassuring. But I didn't get. See, I want too much.

    Thanks to you both for listening to my crap