It's a rainy Monday. So although I have to be at work, they can't actually make me be productive! It's only August, but it has the feel of a cool stormy October day. And I should be home, in my jammies, on the couch, watching movies.
But I'm at work instead.
I saw L this morning. It was cool and raining then, and I wished I could have worn my jammies and curled up on her couch. But I didn't.
I don't normally see her on a Monday morning, but she has to leave town again at the end of the week to help care for an ailing aunt. So I'm going Monday and Wednesday this week, and then she's gone for ten days starting on Thursday. Sigh.
It was one of those sessions where we covered lots of stuff. From family-of-origin events that happened over the weekend, which was all pretty good. Or at least tolerable. One of my nieces turned 7 over the weekend and my sister asked to have her daughter's birthday party at our house. We have a new pool and are happy to share.
We also talked a lot about my relationship with M, and how things have been going. The weekend for us was pretty good. Since our HUGE fight last week (over pretty stupid stuff) things have been better. It was like this release for the two of us, and we've been able to circle back on a couple things that were sort-of left hanging, cause all we did was yell and stamp our feet. Very adult-like.
M and I have been trying and we're both very conscious of our own shit and what we bring to the table. We still have work to do, but at the moment, for the past few days, it's been feeling better between us.
I did share with L a dream that I had. I dreamt that M and I were on vacation at some sort of huge hotel-resort place and I saw that M was spending lots of time with James Brolin (you know the guy married to Barbra Steisand). Eventually M came and told me that she liked him and she wanted to have sex with him. I told her no way could I stay married to her and threw our wedding rings at her. Then she said that she wouldn't go with him, but then I said to her that No, she should go with him, and I want her to be happy. So don't stay with me, because I'll be thinking other things in the back of my head. And then I would flash back to throwing my rings at her and being mad. And then once again I'd flip back to telling that she should do what makes her happy.
The next day I told M about it and she quickly told me that James Brolin wasn't her type.
Now I'm a 46 year old gay women, and I've NEVER been attracted to a man, but I could certainly see where James Brolin would be a good choice. Mature, intellegent, silver-haired kind of guy, seems very attentive to Barbra! But what do I know??!!
Unfortuntely, I sort of joked it away with M, but what I really needed, and wanted was for her to say, that I was the only person for her. I needed her support and reassurance. She didn't know that, but I did.
You see, although I've been gay my whole life, M, who's 5 years my senior, has been married. Twice. To men. So maybe my fears have some basis.
Although we've known each other for about 13 years, we've been a couple for 10, married for 7, and have a 5 year old girl, I still worry. And sometimes I worry a lot.
And so it goes.....