Sometimes I feel a bit whiny, and wonder if the awesome folks who read my ramblings ever think 'I wish she'd just quit with all this needy-therapy-attachment-crap. Can't she write about something a bit more interesting??'
But, then I think, well this blog was meant for me to use as a replacement for my own personal therapy journal. One I've kept for years, and never shared with anyone. And keeping a journal only for myself is somewhat reflective of how I live my life. I keep most of my thoughts and feelings to myself.
So, I want to thank the folks who do read this. I'm not quite sure why, but putting it 'out to the universe' in this fashion has helped me. And if you find it a bit whiny and annoying, I'm sorry, but it is, what it is.
Now to get down to business....
I met with L today, and I have to admit it was good to see her.
It's strange, I did/do have a lot to talk to her about. It's been over two weeks and lots of stuff happened. But when I got there I didn't feel like talking. As much as I wanted to talk about things, simultaneously, there was nothing that I wanted to talk to her about. A lot of the initial conversation went like:
L: How have you been?
L: How was vacation?
L: How has it been going back to work?
L: How was it with me being away?
L: How are you and M(partner) doing?
The whole time I just stared at my keys in my hand. It was a long time before I even looked at her. But lucky for me we have 90 minute sessions, which normally is enough time for me to get comfortable and open up.
So after another minute or two she asked 'So, what is it that you want to talk about that you're not telling me?' Once again, simultaneously I knew how to answer that question, and I also didn't know how to answer that question. This was gonna be a slow process today.
Of course I wanted to scream out
'I'm crappy, I've been crappy, the depression keeps getting worse, I haven't run in almost a week, M and I had a huge, huge fight on Sunday and we can't keep operating that way, work is just not a good place for me to be anymore, and that was made pretty clear to me yesterday, and as for you not being around, I hated it, please don't ever do that again!!'
But of course I didn't.
So L, patiently pulled it out of me, or was it push? It's like she's an artist in some way. Patiently pulling things out of me until I'm at a place where I can freely (sort-of) share things on my own. I even needed tissues towards the end, which is something that rarely happens to me.
Basically we really talked a lot about the HUGE fight that my partner (M) and I had. My partner and I are opposites in many ways, and one is the way we communicate, or not communicate. She is more of a talker, analyzer, and yeller, and I'm not (surprise, surprise). But this time, I yelled! I rambled, I said things almost unfiltered. And it sort of felt good, at least afterwards.
Of course L could only see the 'good' in this fight. I sarcastically asked L that just once, could she just look at the glass as half empty, stop looking on the bright side. But of course she didn't. She said it was good that we talked, that I expressed myself. And that at the end of it all, somehow things felt better between M and I. We didn't resolve much, but we both felt better. Weird.
We also had time today to talk about work. There's too much going on to describe, and I'm even looking at buying my own business (which sort of spurned the above fight), and it was good to get L's view and input. Of course it was all positive.
So, all-in-all it went well. It was one of those sessions where I really felt drained and just wanted to take a long nap afterwards, but that damn work-thing gets in the way.
We never really talked about how it was for me with her gone, but I'll see her again on Monday, so maybe then I will, or maybe I won't need to by then.
I didn't ask her about our text exchange the other day, but she did happen to mention that when she answered my somewhat desperate text with 'Yup, still on vacation', she meant to put a question mark at the end. So without that, the text is completely different.
Instead of a statement of fact, or her telling me she's still on vacation (and me spiraling thinking she wants me to not bother her), she was asking me a question, am I still on vacation? She wanted a response, to know how I was doing. Very different. Funny, cause when she first sent it to me my first thought was 'was she asking me'? But of course I quickly went down the other path.
After my session, although I was tired, work has been ok, and I've been ok. I have really had this nagging feeling, this want of a hug from her, to have her hold me (this is the sounding whiny/needy part that I referred to earlier). I just want her to tell me it will be ok.
I did send her this text a few minutes ago:
Thanks for your support today, I did miss that, and thanks for being patient. I hate to admit it, but it helped to talk, and maybe I'll talk more on monday (that's only a maybe of course)