How will I 'be' this Thursday? I haven't seen L in over two weeks, between my vacation and hers, and our next appointment is this Thursday morning, and I don't know how I feel about it.
Should I be happy? Thankful? If so, then why do I feel angry?
Of course I get 'logically' that she can, and needs to go on vacation. And I don't think I begrudge her that, but that seems to be the most obvious reason for me being angry. So maybe that's not it.
I know I hate the pangs of attachment. Maybe I blame her for it?
There's also something to be said for not being in therapy. The angst and the transference can really suck the life out of me. So then I toy with the idea of not going on Thursday at all. I wonder could I hold out another week?
But I also know myself too well. As soon as I sent her a text cancelling this week's appointment I'd regret it. Like when I go to a session and refuse to talk (yes, just like a 2 year old), as soon as I step out the door I hate myself and regret my actions.
I think it basically boils down to that I'm fucked.