I've been feeling a little weird/off lately, both physically and mentally. Ever since coming back from vacation, which was over 2 weeks ago, I've been exhausted, just tired all the time. I wake up tired. Yesterday I got up late, like 9:00am, went for a 4 mile run, and went back to bed until 3:00 in the afternoon. Got up, had a quick bite to eat and then laid down again until 6:30pm. Hung out with the family, had some dinner, put my daughter to bed and I was back in bed by 9:00pm.
I honestly don't think it's depression. I've been a bit more motivated lately, finishing some projects around the house, starting to do research and write a business plan for a small business my partner and I might buy. Yes, I miss L right now, but I'm 99% sure that's not what caused me to stay in bed yesterday. And like I said, this has been coming on for a couple of weeks. M wants me to see the doctor, but I feel a little silly about. I mean, who isn't tired all the time??
L and I exchanged some emails the past few days:
Me: Are you back yet? No pressure.
L: No pressure, are you ok, do you want to say more
Me: I'm ok, mostly. It's just the first day withdrawals, it will get better, and before too long I'll hate you and won't care if you never come back....mostly
L: Say that's not true. Let's be positive to start, if only just for me.
Me: I couldn't hate you even if I wanted to, which I don't....so how about 'watch out for runaway cable cars and no swimming out to alcatraz' I need you to come home safe and sound.
L: That's a deal
My text originally just started out with me making sure she was still around. I had seen her on Wednesday night, it went well, I was feeling pretty ok. So when I sent the text on Thursday I was sort of half kidding. Of course she wouldn't be back yet, she just left. And then my response about hating her, once again although there was some truth in it, I was mostly being sarcastic. Or really being passive aggressive. Of course I don't hate her, I just hate the attachment pain. And then I felt horrible for making her feel bad.
I also wondered about her 'just for me' statement. I felt like I should have been more sensitive. She left to go help an ailing aunt, and it was going to be very tough on her. I felt like a jerk
Me: Doing ok, how about you?
L: I am good, glad you're ok. hope it is a good day for swimming
Me: It is, and we are?
My text was my way of saying I'm sorry, and don't worry about me, I'm fine. I felt so bad about our exchange Thursday night She has enough on her plate without hearing my shit, especially from a distance. Can't I just her a break, for once?
Me: Do you think we'll still know each other in 20 years?
L: Don't know why not
I don't even know how to explain Sunday's question. In my head I keep hoping I get to a place where I won't go off the deep end when she's not around. I have a very close friend whom I've known over 20 years. He knows me so well, but we don't get to see each other very often. In fact I don't think I've talked to him in over a year. But we have that kind of relationship, and as soon as we do connect it's like we haven't missed a beat. I think that's how I want it to be with L.
And you would think that I would be OK with her response, but it just wasn't enough. Funny, I sent the text Sunday night and she just responded this morning, and the whole time I kept imagining what her response would be. And I kept trying to come up with one that would be exactly what I wanted. I came up with:
'That's the plan'
'I hope so'
And I guess 'Don't know why not' is pretty comparable. So why am I left with wanting more? Why can't it ever be enough?