I'm not even sure if this will make any sense but I'm gonna give it a whirl anyway.....
Is one of the things that a good t is supposed to do is to 'hold' our feelings for us? If I said this to L she'd say 'Say more'...so.....
Well, these attachment-like feelings that I have for L are so strong, and she encourages me to talk about the depths of them to her. Clearly she's not going to act inappropriately towards me, but what does she do with them? Does she keep them, and me, safe? Just holding on to them until I'm ready to look at them again in the hopes of reworking my beliefs and understanding?
I sent her this text yesterday after my session:
Me: So I'm sitting in a meeting and my mind is going in circles..today you asked is my feeling better due to M and I connecting a bit more? maybe or maybe it's because you're back? or maybe both? neither? Do I use one to avoid the other? Or is this all bs on my part? And you having to go away, I hate the crap that it brings up....sorry for the ramble, throwing it out there to hopefully feel better and to make myself talk about it on wednesday(can you say drama?)
L: Glad you texted and yes maybe a little of both, and yes me going away again does throw a monkey wrench into it
M: You know I couldn't have asked for a better counselor....and no, you can't remind me of this when I get ticked at you for some stupid reason.
L: Yes I can.
In writing '....I couldn't have asked for a better counselor....' I struggled with the word 'counselor'. My initial thought was to really write '....I couldn't have asked for a better friend....', but I didn't want to freak her out or suggest that we were 'friends'. It's just that using the term 'therapist' seemed to cold and non-personal, and definitely not a good depiction of how I feel about her. Friends is more accurate, but I didn't want to think that I'm getting confused or boundaries being blurred for me. Using 'counselor' was better than 'therapist', but still not quite it. Clear as mud.
Not sure any of this made sense.