Still a bit all over the place, but now I'm wondering if that's the process.  In the past I've either tried to avoid these thoughts/feelings by using artificial substances (read:  drugs, legal/illegal) or just simply withrawing.  Although I'm finding there's nothing 'simple' about withdrawing.

The issues that I'm having at work with CD (Cruella Deville) have really wreaked havoc with me.  It just eats at me everyday.  In talking with L about this today I compared CD to a school bully.  I'm not paranoid, but CD has really focused her efforts on pushing me out.  And although I'm still employed, at this point it's pretty clear to me that my job now is to find another job.  Weird, but true.

Just to prove my point about being all over the place....

Last Friday we had to go to a funeral.  My nieces father-in-law, a very nice man died at the young age of 74.  Although I have celebrated holidays and family events with this man, and always enjoyed his company, I wasn't close to him, so going to his funeral was more to support my niece and her family, than to share my grief.  But funerals are a funny thing.  They bring up so many things for so many people, including myself. 

So, it's a crisp fall day, the night before it had rained heavily, but the morning was sunny and cool.  The mood was a mix of celebratory and somberness.  My father died 3 years ago and he is never far from my thoughts, but he seems to be even closer to me when I'm at church on Sunday, or at a funeral. 

Familar faces all around me, and although I didn't know the two little old ladies in front of me, they felt like family, like cute grandmothers.  A beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace started the service.  One of my favorites, and a great song to cry to, which I did.  Then about half way thru the service a young woman sang Ava Maria, accapella, and this put me over the edge.  The tears started flowing and I did not try and stop them.  I didn't even pretend to wipe them away.  I was so moved by the song, I barely noticed that it end.  Until.., well until one of the little old ladies did something that, well, little old ladies can do....they farted! 

My tears quickly turned into laughter, and I tried to maintain composure, but I couldn't.  My body kept twitching as I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't.  This went on for what seemed like an hour, although it was probably like 5 minutes.  I just couldn't stop laughing.

It was like I went from one extreme to the other.  And the rest of the day seemed to go like that.  After the service at the cemetary I chose not to go back to the families house, instead I really wanted, and needed to go for a run.  So my partner and I left, we both excercised and then went out to lunch, something we don't get to do too often, just the two of us.  It was nice. 

But then I got more bad news, a job that I was up for and a good fit for was pulled back.  The company decided to hold off on the position due to economic conditions.  I was crushed again.  I really thought it was mine, and of course I couldn't help but take it personally.

On the way home from lunch we stopped at an antique store.  Our daughter LOVES playing with her dolls and we were in search of an old baby carriage, the wicker kind.  And not only did we find a great one, but we also found an old wooden high chair, which I'm now in the process of refinishing.

Before I continue with what happened at the store, I need to explain that my partner and I have been looking into buying a business.  Since I was a teenager, which was a long, long time ago, I've wanted to own an ice cream store.  When I was in my early twenties I entertained the thought, but never seriously followed through. In my thirties I again found myself wanting to fulfill this dream.  I did a lot of research and worked with various agencies to gain as much knowledge as I could.  Unfortunately, there were other pressing things in my life then, so after about 6 months of searching for the right location, I gave up again on the dream.  That was until about 3 months ago.

During our summer vacation this year, we spent some time in the 'lakes region' of New Hampshire.  We typically rent a cottage up there for a couples week in the summer months, it's one of my favorite places to go.  The second day there we did what we normally do, visit the local ice cream shop.  While standing in line I overhead the woman in front me talking to the owner and she was saying that they hope this is their last summer.  They want to retire and sell the place.  All of a sudden the old thoughts and want of owning a shop came flooding in.  Was this a sign??  Or was I just in dire need of a chocolate peanut butter ice cream fix??!!

So I talked it over with M, and we figured what the heck, might as well talk to the owners and see if they're serious.  To make a long story short, yes they're serious, they've been doing this for over 20 years and they're tired.  I've had a few conversations with them, I've done a lot of research, I've sent them a list of all the documents we need to start with (tax returns, inventory, contracts, licences, debtors....etc) and we will meet again next month to start detailed conversations. 

I'm really afraid to talk about it much more, I'm afraid I'll put a bad jinx on it.  So right now I'm just holding my breath.  And I continue to do lots and lots more research.  From reaching out to local associations (yes, there are ice cream business associates), contacting and working with the local small business association, documenting a detailed business plan....etc.  Given the way my job is going, the ice cream stuff keeps my mind occuppied, and out of trouble.

Anyway, to bring it back to the antique shop.  After haggling over the prices for the carriage and the high chair we start chatting with the owner of the antique store a bit.  I ask him if he ever gets vintage ice cream stuff, like signs, or machines, or scoops...etc, and if he does could he call me.  He takes my name and number and he starts asking me a bit about my interest in ice cream, so I briefly tell him the story about the potential of buying an ice cream place.  What I didn't notice was that he was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of a small, local ice cream shop.  Come to find out he's the owner a small shop up the street. 

We then set about having a great conversation about the industry, and equipment, and the potential for working hard and living a good life.  Was it another sign??  Maybe.  I was so exicted and so upbeat, the feeling of loosing the other job earlier in the day was just a bad memory.

So my moods go from feeling like I've been fired to trying to open up my own business.

In talking with L about this today I told her that I'm afraid to go after this dream.  What if it doesn't happen?  What if I get their financials and it just won't work for us?  What if I can't get financing? What if....????

She said people who live great lives, go for it!