Monday, October 17, 2011

I've been seriously considering cancelling my appointment tomorrow, something I've never done before.  Unfortunately I can't be absolutely sure that I won't feel worse afterwards so right now I'm still in the 'planning' phase.

I just wonder if I've become too enmeshed with therapy, with L.  I've gone from once a week 60 minute sessions, to twice a week 90 minute sessions, is that too much?

Do I just need a  break?  And if I cancel for tomorrow I won't be able to see her again until the end of next week.  My partner M is going out of town so I'm a single mom for the next 7 days, which means that I won't have any time to see L.  Then next Monday I'm out of town for a couple of days at an ice cream retailers conference (who knew such conferences existed?!)

So if I cancel will I be ok not seeing her?  Will I be ok if she doesn't read my mind about why I'm canceling?  Will I be ok if she doesn't try and talk me out of it?

I don't want to play this game with her, but the hurt and confusion that I'm feeling is too much for me to share with her.

I've been playing this over in my mind all weekend.  I need to be sure that I won't be crushed as a repercussion of my actions, and I think I may have gotten to that place, but I can't be 100% sure.

What will it take for me to know?  For me to be sure?

1 comment:

  1. This post breaks my heart. I know what this feels like and it's not pleasant. I'm sure you know that I've canceled several of my appointments over the last month or two. It seems easy at first, but it is so much more difficult afterwards (at least for me). Perhaps explore why you want to cancel - figure out what's prompting you to react that way. And then go in and talk about it with her. I've said to my own therapist many times "I wanted to cancel for today and I'm glad/upset that I didn't".

    I'm sorry you're feeling this.