Friday, October 7, 2011

Did you ever have a time when your therapist states the most obvious thing about you and suddenly some things start to click?  Today was one of those days. 

We talked around a lot of 'normal' stuff today, but I knew I needed more (whatever the hell that means).  We even talked about Steve Jobs (you should watch this commencement speech he gave Very moving, and I really liked his connect-the-dots story.  Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but I feel like some the connect-the-dots stuff is happening with me right now.

Anyway,  I'm struggling with moving into a deeper conversation with L.  I knew I needed it, and I knew I'd feel frustrated and disconnected if I didn't, but I couldn't find the right opening, the right lead-in story.  She's been trying to get me to talk about the stuff that I label 'crazy'.  The multitude of random things that run through my brain.

I had been thinking during the past week about couples counseling and why I'm having a weird reaction to it.  So although this isn't what I really wanted to talk about, I figured I'd start there and see where it went.  I told her that I read an article the other day that described therapy as an 'emotional affair'.  And although I don't remember all the details, the feelings that I'm having in couples counseling sort-of made sense (of course only in a weird, I-really-am-crazy kind of way).  When I'm in the room with L and M I feel like I'm having an affair with L, and obviously M doesn't know about it.  Like I have a secret that's burning right through me. Sort of reminds of that story by Alfred Hitchcock, The Tell Tale Heart.  Of course the 'affair' is only in my head and both M and L aren't thinking anything of the sort.

So it was good to vet that out with L a bit, she said if I wanted to, the 3 of us could talk about it more as well.  Not sure if I'm brave enough (or is it 'stupid enough') to talk about that with M.  Although it was helpful to tell M the other day about how I'm having a strange reaction to couple's counseling.

After that I felt a bit more comfortable talking about my reaction to sharing something with L a few weeks ago.  Once again, she was trying to get me to tell her the stuff that I consider 'crazy'.  This particular thought that I shared had to do with me feeling comforted by the thought of being with L, of being in her studio.  Sometimes I picture her there too, and sometimes it's just me, alone, sitting on the couch.  I told her I also sometimes picture her sitting next to me, sometimes holding me like a mother holds a hurt child. 

Now, ever since sharing that with her, I find I am unable to  'go to that place' in my mind.  It's not really a bad thing, or a good thing I guess, but it's just a little strange.  In some ways I miss it, but at the same time it's not so horrible.  In fact, I seem to be getting more stuff done, and actually feeling a bit better.

At the end of my telling her this, well she just blows me away with the obvious.  The reason I'm not going to that place is that I'm finding less of a need to live in my head.  Seems so obvious, but she's right. 

I have been reaching out alot more lately, and probably more important for me is that I've made myself more available for people to care about.  I typically give off an air of I'm ok, I have my walls up, I don't need anything, please keep your distance.  But now, there have been some definitive moments lately where that is changing for me.

As good as this feeling of connectedness to people has been, I still have my eye on it.  I don't completely trust it, but I'm trying to remain open. 

One other thing she reminded me of today is that her belief that we get strength from others.  I keep fighting that theory saying that strength/confidence must only come from inside, it must be something that I internally hold to be true.  She said No, that it may start inside, but it can only get fed from others.        Still need to process that.


  1. Sounds like you had a really good productive session. Some times we may think we did not get or benefit from our sessions, but we do. I learned that.