At the end I told her that I still hated her. She said I can't hate her right now, I need her.......damn her!
She said she was glad I texted and it's good for me. She said it wasn't rambly at all, that she totally got what I was saying. She said I was conflicted, and that was definitely spot-on. Damn her. How could she know that? How could she be so right? How could she not think that I'm crazy and that I want too much? How could she?
She said that I'm finally talking and for me that's the most important thing. For years I've lived in my head and I'm finally putting it out there, and it's all good. At least that's what she thinks.
She said that I'm at this stage in my life for a reason. Change is hard, but change can be good. Everything is being thrown up in the air and I'm not supposed to feel comfortable with it all. It was a bit of a philosophical-buddhist-zen kind of conversation, but I also know she's right. When I look back at a couple of major life changing events that I've gone through, they all have the same 'feel' to it. I was definitely out of my element and not sure what the day would bring. But in retrospect, it was all necessary and all worth it.
She also said I should 'enjoy' the support, or what I refer to as 'dependency'. It's ok. It's good for me to rely on her right now. It won't always be like that and I won't always need it, but I do right now and it's ok.
All-in-all it was good, very good. She never makes me feel weird, she's amazing accepting, which I think concerns me sometimes. Like she's too good too be true. Not that she's perfect, but she's perfect for me?