Where the hell do I begin?  It was another tough session today, preceded by a tough couples session last night. 

It's funny I tease M about us 'fighting' in couples counseling, but that's not what really happens.  Mostly it's my nervousness talking, and she knows that.  She's attended counseling with her ex-husband (yes, she wasn't always playing on my team!) but this is the first time I've ever gone to therapy with someone else, so I have preconceived notions on what goes on behind closed doors.  And let me tell, I wasn't even close to picturing it correctly.

For M and I, the sessions have been a great opportunity for us to communicate, not just talk.  As weird as it's been for me, going to individual and couples counseling with L, it really has helped the relationship for M and I.  It sort of has kick started us to talking, and listening again.  However, last night I was not prepared for what M shared.

Unfortunately, like many people M has some history of sexual abuse as a child.  Although thinking back I'm not sure she ever actually labeled it as abuse, but there certainly was an understanding that boundaries were crossed.  It involved her older brother when she was about 8 and he was about 12.  Now, because of my own weirdness and history, M and I have never actually talked about the details of what happened to her.  I just knew something happened and that she had dealt with it years ago in counseling and she was 'ok' with it, and her relationship with her brother now was not affected by it. In fact of her 3 brothers she is by far closest to him and his wife, and he is also our daughter's godfather. 

As I've written about before, M and I are in the final stages of getting approved to adopt a child.  Where we live, this process involves months of state run classes and then many more months of home visits and the filling out of a very detailed profile.  Some of the questions in the profile have to do with your upbringing including specifically asking you about your experience around physical and sexual abuse.  I certainly understand the need for the questions but they can get uncomfortably personal.  Me, being the one with less morals chose to answer some of the questions less-than honestly, feeling that a lot of these questions were none of their business.  M, on the other hand has less of a capacity to lie and was more open with her answers, especially as it relates to her childhood and the 'experimentations' of her brother.  This unfortunately raised some questions with our social worker's bosses, so M is scheduled to go in and meet with the department head to discuss the situation further.  This is what happens when you're too truthful!

Anyway, last night at couples counseling L asked us the adoption process and where were we at.  This prompted M to start telling L about this meeting that she's supposed to have and how she's feeling concerned about it, not too concerned, just a little bit.  So L started asking her some questions about M's experience with her brother, and the more L asked the more details M provided.  And these details were definitely more than I had ever heard, or even imagined.  M's experience was more than kids playing doctor, way more.  Way more.  However, she doesn't see it that way.  For me, she was comfortably calm about all of it.  Like it never registered with her how bad it was.  After more questioning, L started referring to it as 'incest'.  Ouch.  More that I could handle, I think I started to only hear every other word after that.

It's such a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions after that.  I felt bad for M because she had always thought that she had dealt with it, but she started to feel that she may have been in some sort of denial all these years.  She felt a little stupid.  But not completely.  It hit her hard last night, but at the same time I don't think she can take it in all at once, so even when we talked a little about it today she sort of not convinced that it's really had a huge impact on her.  Although L was able to point out a few areas in her life, especially as it relates to parenting, where it has had an impact.

I also felt bad about my reaction to hearing M provide details.  I was having a hard time hearing it and she knew it so she started to hold back info.  However L encouraged her to keep going, which I think was the right thing to do.  I wish I could have been stronger for her and not have her worry about my reaction.  She's a caretaker, and god-knows I love to be coddled/protected but sometimes I need to put my big-girl pants on and be the one who takes care of her. 

And on a lighter note (sarcastic smirk) I'm still struggling with trust issues with L, and it's a catch-22.  I can't trust her enough to tell her that I don't trust her.......good thing normal wasn't my goal.

So the combination of my push-pull with L and the overwhelming details from M, I was lost for the rest of the evening. I struggled to fall asleep, and when I finally did my entire week of therapy-related crap was all rolled up in a ball of Freudian nightmares.  I woke up this morning enraged, and most of it was directed at L.  By the time I got to L's early this morning I wasn't talking, I had shutdown.

However, as this has gotten a little long, I'll tell you that I was finally able to get some stuff out.  But even though I felt a little lighter when I left there was also a part of me that was really pissed for talking to her.  I want to not need her but it's like I don't have any control over it.


And so it goes.......

Why does therapy still have to be all about the relationship with me? 

On one hand, having devoured countless books and articles about therapy I know that a big predictor of the success in therapy has to do with the relationship, I get that I really do.  But what I'm having trouble understanding is why I constantly need to talk about it with her.  Why do I analyze (obsess) and deconstruct every little thing?  Why do I keep questioning it?  Why do I not believe the 'realness' of it?  And why can't I just settle on a way to feel?

Also, why does it seem to crush me when I'm thrown by it?  Why do I have trouble functioning in the real world when things like this happen? Why can't I compartmentalize it like I can do with other things in my life?  Why does it seem to take over my whole being?

Why the need for therapy for therapy?

It was a wasted session, and I so hate that.  It's strange, as I was driving to my session last Friday I had a feeling that the session wouldn't be a good one, and it wasn't.  But today I didn't have that same feeling.  I was a bit worried that we'd end up only talking about the conference I was at, and that's exactly what happened, but it took up our entire 90 minute session.

I'm a little ticked at her because after last Friday I did send her a text asking '....and can we talk more about the crazy-thoughts-that-live-in-my-head-too-much crap?  I need the outlet.....I think'  So I assumed that I sent out a strong enough hint that the ball was in her court. 

And of course I know I'm an adult(sort of), and it's up to me to ask for what I need, but that's what I was doing with my text, damn it.

During the session I was really ok with talking about the conference and how awesome it was, but at the same time I also kept myself in check.  I needed to talk about other, deeper, harder things, so I really couldn't, or maybe wouldn't express my excitement over this new business venture.  It's like I kept downplaying it and hoping that she would try and pry out of me the 'crazy-thoughts-that-live-in-my-head', but she never really did.  She did ask at the end 'was there anything else I'd like to discuss', but of course I said no. 

We also have couples counseling with her tomorrow night, and that still continues to be a tough one for me.

I know I should be in such a better mood, but the letdown from this morning is keeping me low.

Why do some things bother me even though I know better?  Logically I know there's no reason for me to be reacting the way I am, but I can't shake the pit-of-my-stomach feeling.  I feel like for the past few days I've been trying to keep my self in-check.  Trying to rationalize my way out of feeling angry, but it's still there.

It's really a silly thing, another been-there-felt-that-kind-of-crap before.  I know I should bring it up with her tomorrow, but it's so silly.  Why do I read such crazy things into what most people would consider a 'normal'  interaction?  Why do I read into it abandonment, unloved, tricked...?

In my head I keep threatening to cancel my appointment for tomorrow morning, but right now it's still just an idle threat.

Now for some happy news.....

I survived single motherhood!  M's trip to Texas was tough, but she's back.  Unfortunately she came home late Sunday night, it was after midnight, and I had to leave early the next morning to drive to the ice cream retailers convention.  Today is my last day so I'll be home tonight, and maybe we'll get a chance to see each other tomorrow!

The conference has been awesome.  There's about 100+ local owners who are here, along with some vendors.  Most ice cream places are locally owned and family run, so it's been great talking to all these people about their experiences.  Yesterday we toured 3 different shops in the area.  It was so cool to see and share different ideas with people, what works for them, what hasn't worked.  The cool part is that they are all so different, and so successful.  I mean we're not going to make a $1,000,000 but we should be able to survive and live comfortably.

As the day went on, and we got to know each other and people heard my story they kept checking in to see how I was doing.  Was I overwhelmed?  Was I nervous?  And yes, I was a bit overwhelmed, but in a good way.  Just lots and lots of ideas going through my head, it made it hard to sleep.  But nervous,? No I'm definitely not nervous.  I think I feel a healthy level of confidence that we can make this work.  It won't be easy, and it will require a lot of work and long hours, but I feel so good about it.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit the passion I feel for opening an ice cream shop, but I do, and it's always been there, for over 20 years (dang, I'm old!!)

At the end I told her that I still hated her.  She said I can't hate her right now, I need her.......damn her!

She said she was glad I texted and it's good for me.  She said it wasn't rambly at all, that she totally got what I was saying.  She said I was conflicted, and that was definitely spot-on.  Damn her.  How could she know that?  How could she be so right?  How could she not think that I'm crazy and that I want too much?  How could she? 

She said that I'm finally talking and for me that's the most important thing.  For years I've lived in my head and I'm finally putting it out there, and it's all good.  At least that's what she thinks. 

She said that I'm at this stage in my life for a reason.  Change is hard, but change can be good.  Everything is being thrown up in the air and I'm not supposed to feel comfortable with it all.  It was a bit of a philosophical-buddhist-zen kind of conversation, but I also know she's right.  When I look back at a couple of major life changing events that I've gone through, they all have the same 'feel' to it.  I was definitely out of my element and not sure what the day would bring.   But in retrospect, it was all necessary and all worth it.

She also said I should 'enjoy' the support, or what I refer to as 'dependency'.  It's ok.  It's good for me to rely on her right now.  It won't always be like that and I won't always need it, but I do right now and it's ok. 

All-in-all it was good, very good.  She never makes me feel weird, she's amazing accepting, which I think concerns me sometimes.  Like she's too good too be true.  Not that she's perfect, but she's perfect for me?

She responded a couple hours later to my I-wrote-this-in-a-text-but-I'm-not-completely-sure-I-want-to-send-this text.  It took me about an hour after composing the text before I actually sent it.  And when I did, it was like ripping off a band-aid, just do it and move on.

Her response(s):

It's all ok I want you to feel better and if another path would work better for now, lets be open to change we can always go back

A few minutes later she follows up with:

I do not believe you are too dependent but you need to believe that it has to feel healthy for you.  We can take a break and if that's not right go back to twice a week, or stay with this and work through your feelings of dependency.  The call is yours all decisions are right.


I'm such a nut.  Her first response scared me; all I heard was 'If you want a break then fine, take a break.  Doesn't bother me'.

But then I figure she must know I'm a nut because she responds again.  This time it felt less threatening, especially because she gives me the option of sticking with what we're doing and just trying to work through it.

After running through every sort of crazy response, I settle on short-and-sweet:

Sorry for bothering you, if I work up the nerve I'll try and talk through it tomorrow.


I do really think I'm crazy.  Part of me is so thankful for her consistent support and unquestioning acceptance, and the other part of me just wants to run away.  Oh, and another part of me simply wants to throw up.

Just shoot me now, or maybe I'll just simply die of embarrasment. 

Sent L this text today:

Ruminations since Friday:  whether or not to cancel tuesday am.  Too enmeshed?  Too dependent?  Time for a break? Sick of feeling like this.  Scared of the answer.  I know that this is all ramblings and shouldn't be texting it.

Wrote out the text but went back and forth on sending it.  Finally I did, but then texters-remorse set it....

Disregard that last text.  Sorry

It's out there now.  Guess I wanted it to be.  But man, what the hell was I thinking?

I've been seriously considering cancelling my appointment tomorrow, something I've never done before.  Unfortunately I can't be absolutely sure that I won't feel worse afterwards so right now I'm still in the 'planning' phase.

I just wonder if I've become too enmeshed with therapy, with L.  I've gone from once a week 60 minute sessions, to twice a week 90 minute sessions, is that too much?

Do I just need a  break?  And if I cancel for tomorrow I won't be able to see her again until the end of next week.  My partner M is going out of town so I'm a single mom for the next 7 days, which means that I won't have any time to see L.  Then next Monday I'm out of town for a couple of days at an ice cream retailers conference (who knew such conferences existed?!)

So if I cancel will I be ok not seeing her?  Will I be ok if she doesn't read my mind about why I'm canceling?  Will I be ok if she doesn't try and talk me out of it?

I don't want to play this game with her, but the hurt and confusion that I'm feeling is too much for me to share with her.

I've been playing this over in my mind all weekend.  I need to be sure that I won't be crushed as a repercussion of my actions, and I think I may have gotten to that place, but I can't be 100% sure.

What will it take for me to know?  For me to be sure?

Last Tuesday in therapy I was discussing an incident that happened over the weekend with my partner M and I.  As usual, many of our disagreements have to do with raising our daughter.  You see I'm a bit looser in my approach to many things, where M is a bit more strict.  In telling L my version of the story she appeared to understand where I was coming from and intimated that she probably would have felt the same way.

So fast forward to last night when M and I went to see L for couples counseling.  We hadn't been in a couple weeks, and I was really hoping that I had gotten through the worst of my weird reactions to seeing L for both individual and now couples counseling.  What was I thinking???

The session started out ok.  I was a little uncomfortable but as the time went on I got better and a little more relaxed.  We covered a bunch of things, as there is a lot of stuff going on in our lives.  It was helpful, and as some things continue to unravel it will be helpful to make sure that M and I keep talking.  M works nights 3 days a week, so that coupled with my tendency to live in my head means that a lot of important things may not get fully talked through. 

Towards the end M brought up the argument that we had over the weekend, the same one I had talked to L about a few days earlier.  During the telling of the story L expressed that she understood where M was coming from and even offered some supportive comments/observations. Hearing her support M's side really threw me.

To be clear, I didn't, and don't expect L to take sides.  I'm not looking for her to choose me over my partner.  I do however think I would be ok with her calling me out on something that I may be totally off base with.  I don't think I'm that fragile.  So I really don't think my reaction was because L was 'choosing' M over me.  I really don't.

For me, I took it down a very weird, long path.  I was now questioning any supportive thoughts or actions that L has ever shown me.  Was all this 'relationship' crap with her bullshit?  Was she just saying things at the time so I would feel supported?  But the whole time she's just been playing me for a fool?  Trying to trick me?

It took me a long time to get some of this out to her today.  I got to my individual session feeling pretty sullen and shutdown.  If I didn't trust her, how could I now talk to her?

I quite often accuse her of seeing too many things as 'half full', where I tend to see the glass as 'half empty'.  But I also told her it's one of her qualities that I like as well.  But, I said there are times when I need for her to tell me the truth.  I told her an example of me trying on an outfit and asking her opinion of it.  She said she would say to me 'Well, how do you feel about it?'  I told her that would frustrate me.  That if she were a good friend, and if the outfit looked horrible, or didn't match, or god-forbid made me look fat, I would want her to tell me.  She responded with 'If you felt good about the outfit, then that's all that matters, not my opinion'.  We went round-and-round with that for quite a while, until I finally told her what was really running through my head.

At first she misunderstood how I was feeling.  She thought I was pissed that she supported M, or that I didn't understand how couples therapy worked.  But that wasn't it, at least not this time.  I felt like she lied.  Like she just wanted to appease me the other day.  And now, what other things has she not been honest about?  Has she lied when she told me she cares, that I matter?

Now, 10 hours later, I still feel crappy about the discussion.  She did say that maybe we should not do couples counseling for a while.  That maybe M and I could see someone else, or maybe we just wait for a while.  I told her that I would feel like a failure.  But I'm also not sure if that would help this problem.  This problem of me trusting her.

I also hate that I'm doubting her.  She's done so much for me.  Been so available to me.  Been so supportive of me.  What kind of person am I?  Am I someone who just can't be pleased?  Am I someone who will always look for ways to not trust someone and just exploit the opportunity when it arises?

Crap.

Does telling my therapist that I don't trust her, mean that I actually do trust her?

Or does it just mean that I want to trust her?

And either way, does it mean I'm screwed?

It was a hard session today and I still feel sad, I think, or maybe it's a feeling of being removed?  or maybe tired?  or shutdown?  or all of the above?

I wonder if it matters at all to L how I felt, or does she simply remove herself from it so she can figure out the why?  Like does it bother her that I told her that I don't trust her or does she not take it personally and just try and figure out where it's coming from?

I know how she's supposed to handle it, but I guess need to feel, ....hmmmmmm......, I guess I want to feel like I matter, that I'm important enough to be honest to and not just be told what she thinks I need to hear to feel better 'therapuetically'.  Like an extreme game of positive regard.  I told her today that I need to make sure she's just not 'blowing smoke'

I suppose there's really not much to report, but I do feel the need to get myself lost in the land of blog-writing, so let's see where this post ends up!

I had a session with L yesterday morning.  I don't even know how to classify it.  I did send this text to her a few hours afterwards:

Me:  So, was it you or me that was 'off' today?
L:      I'm not pointing any fingers but it seemed like you didn't want to be pushed today.  So I did not push.  Sometimes that is ok.
Me:    Sticks and stones......

I actually felt ok afterwards, and even survived going to work, but at the same time I was missing something, like I didn't get something from the session, but I honestly don't know what.  It's sort of like being in a restaurant knowing you're hungry but you can't really find anything on the menu that would satisfy you.  I guess as long as you ate, no matter what it was, you'd feel physically satisfied, but you still yearn for something.

We did talk about me not feeling great over the weekend, which frustrated me.  Towards the end of last week I felt like I was starting to feel better.  That maybe this time depression hadn't gotten the better of me, and that I've been able to not let the work crap crush me.  But this past weekend I was so agitated and frustrated.  I certainly wasn't a joy to be around.

We also talked more about work stuff, and the whole time I kept saying I didn't want to talk about it.  I don't know why I was fighting it.  I think part of it was because I wanted a deeper level discussion with her, and talking about work usually doesn't lead down that path. 

Today is my dad's birthday.  Or I guess it used to be his birthday.  He would have been 85 today.  Still miss him everyday.

Not much movement on buying the ice cream business.  I won't be meeting with the current owners until next month, but there's still lots and lots of research to do, especially as it relates to finalizing the business plan.  There is a conference that I will be going to at the end of the month.  I'm very excited about that.  But at the same time I'm also nervous about the whole thing falling apart.  There are still so many what-if's.

My partner M and I are supposed to see L tomorrow night for couples counseling.  I did share with M last week how I realized what's going on for me and how I feel like I'm 'cheating' on M with L.  As usual, she was totally supportive and she was happy that I shared it with her.  I'm hoping that me being open with both of them will make this process a little less freakish for me.  Hopefully I'll be present tomorrow night and take part in the session as opposed to hovering above the conversation and keeping myself at a distance. 

Did you ever have a time when your therapist states the most obvious thing about you and suddenly some things start to click?  Today was one of those days. 

We talked around a lot of 'normal' stuff today, but I knew I needed more (whatever the hell that means).  We even talked about Steve Jobs (you should watch this commencement speech he gave

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc) Very moving, and I really liked his connect-the-dots story.  Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but I feel like some the connect-the-dots stuff is happening with me right now.

Anyway,  I'm struggling with moving into a deeper conversation with L.  I knew I needed it, and I knew I'd feel frustrated and disconnected if I didn't, but I couldn't find the right opening, the right lead-in story.  She's been trying to get me to talk about the stuff that I label 'crazy'.  The multitude of random things that run through my brain.

I had been thinking during the past week about couples counseling and why I'm having a weird reaction to it.  So although this isn't what I really wanted to talk about, I figured I'd start there and see where it went.  I told her that I read an article the other day that described therapy as an 'emotional affair'.  And although I don't remember all the details, the feelings that I'm having in couples counseling sort-of made sense (of course only in a weird, I-really-am-crazy kind of way).  When I'm in the room with L and M I feel like I'm having an affair with L, and obviously M doesn't know about it.  Like I have a secret that's burning right through me. Sort of reminds of that story by Alfred Hitchcock, The Tell Tale Heart.  Of course the 'affair' is only in my head and both M and L aren't thinking anything of the sort.

So it was good to vet that out with L a bit, she said if I wanted to, the 3 of us could talk about it more as well.  Not sure if I'm brave enough (or is it 'stupid enough') to talk about that with M.  Although it was helpful to tell M the other day about how I'm having a strange reaction to couple's counseling.

After that I felt a bit more comfortable talking about my reaction to sharing something with L a few weeks ago.  Once again, she was trying to get me to tell her the stuff that I consider 'crazy'.  This particular thought that I shared had to do with me feeling comforted by the thought of being with L, of being in her studio.  Sometimes I picture her there too, and sometimes it's just me, alone, sitting on the couch.  I told her I also sometimes picture her sitting next to me, sometimes holding me like a mother holds a hurt child. 

Now, ever since sharing that with her, I find I am unable to  'go to that place' in my mind.  It's not really a bad thing, or a good thing I guess, but it's just a little strange.  In some ways I miss it, but at the same time it's not so horrible.  In fact, I seem to be getting more stuff done, and actually feeling a bit better.

At the end of my telling her this, well she just blows me away with the obvious.  The reason I'm not going to that place is that I'm finding less of a need to live in my head.  Seems so obvious, but she's right. 

I have been reaching out alot more lately, and probably more important for me is that I've made myself more available for people to care about.  I typically give off an air of I'm ok, I have my walls up, I don't need anything, please keep your distance.  But now, there have been some definitive moments lately where that is changing for me.

As good as this feeling of connectedness to people has been, I still have my eye on it.  I don't completely trust it, but I'm trying to remain open. 

One other thing she reminded me of today is that her belief that we get strength from others.  I keep fighting that theory saying that strength/confidence must only come from inside, it must be something that I internally hold to be true.  She said No, that it may start inside, but it can only get fed from others.        Still need to process that.

Still a bit all over the place, but now I'm wondering if that's the process.  In the past I've either tried to avoid these thoughts/feelings by using artificial substances (read:  drugs, legal/illegal) or just simply withrawing.  Although I'm finding there's nothing 'simple' about withdrawing.

The issues that I'm having at work with CD (Cruella Deville) have really wreaked havoc with me.  It just eats at me everyday.  In talking with L about this today I compared CD to a school bully.  I'm not paranoid, but CD has really focused her efforts on pushing me out.  And although I'm still employed, at this point it's pretty clear to me that my job now is to find another job.  Weird, but true.

Just to prove my point about being all over the place....

Last Friday we had to go to a funeral.  My nieces father-in-law, a very nice man died at the young age of 74.  Although I have celebrated holidays and family events with this man, and always enjoyed his company, I wasn't close to him, so going to his funeral was more to support my niece and her family, than to share my grief.  But funerals are a funny thing.  They bring up so many things for so many people, including myself. 

So, it's a crisp fall day, the night before it had rained heavily, but the morning was sunny and cool.  The mood was a mix of celebratory and somberness.  My father died 3 years ago and he is never far from my thoughts, but he seems to be even closer to me when I'm at church on Sunday, or at a funeral. 

Familar faces all around me, and although I didn't know the two little old ladies in front of me, they felt like family, like cute grandmothers.  A beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace started the service.  One of my favorites, and a great song to cry to, which I did.  Then about half way thru the service a young woman sang Ava Maria, accapella, and this put me over the edge.  The tears started flowing and I did not try and stop them.  I didn't even pretend to wipe them away.  I was so moved by the song, I barely noticed that it end.  Until.., well until one of the little old ladies did something that, well, little old ladies can do....they farted! 

My tears quickly turned into laughter, and I tried to maintain composure, but I couldn't.  My body kept twitching as I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't.  This went on for what seemed like an hour, although it was probably like 5 minutes.  I just couldn't stop laughing.

It was like I went from one extreme to the other.  And the rest of the day seemed to go like that.  After the service at the cemetary I chose not to go back to the families house, instead I really wanted, and needed to go for a run.  So my partner and I left, we both excercised and then went out to lunch, something we don't get to do too often, just the two of us.  It was nice. 

But then I got more bad news, a job that I was up for and a good fit for was pulled back.  The company decided to hold off on the position due to economic conditions.  I was crushed again.  I really thought it was mine, and of course I couldn't help but take it personally.

On the way home from lunch we stopped at an antique store.  Our daughter LOVES playing with her dolls and we were in search of an old baby carriage, the wicker kind.  And not only did we find a great one, but we also found an old wooden high chair, which I'm now in the process of refinishing.

Before I continue with what happened at the store, I need to explain that my partner and I have been looking into buying a business.  Since I was a teenager, which was a long, long time ago, I've wanted to own an ice cream store.  When I was in my early twenties I entertained the thought, but never seriously followed through. In my thirties I again found myself wanting to fulfill this dream.  I did a lot of research and worked with various agencies to gain as much knowledge as I could.  Unfortunately, there were other pressing things in my life then, so after about 6 months of searching for the right location, I gave up again on the dream.  That was until about 3 months ago.

During our summer vacation this year, we spent some time in the 'lakes region' of New Hampshire.  We typically rent a cottage up there for a couples week in the summer months, it's one of my favorite places to go.  The second day there we did what we normally do, visit the local ice cream shop.  While standing in line I overhead the woman in front me talking to the owner and she was saying that they hope this is their last summer.  They want to retire and sell the place.  All of a sudden the old thoughts and want of owning a shop came flooding in.  Was this a sign??  Or was I just in dire need of a chocolate peanut butter ice cream fix??!!

So I talked it over with M, and we figured what the heck, might as well talk to the owners and see if they're serious.  To make a long story short, yes they're serious, they've been doing this for over 20 years and they're tired.  I've had a few conversations with them, I've done a lot of research, I've sent them a list of all the documents we need to start with (tax returns, inventory, contracts, licences, debtors....etc) and we will meet again next month to start detailed conversations. 

I'm really afraid to talk about it much more, I'm afraid I'll put a bad jinx on it.  So right now I'm just holding my breath.  And I continue to do lots and lots more research.  From reaching out to local associations (yes, there are ice cream business associates), contacting and working with the local small business association, documenting a detailed business plan....etc.  Given the way my job is going, the ice cream stuff keeps my mind occuppied, and out of trouble.

Anyway, to bring it back to the antique shop.  After haggling over the prices for the carriage and the high chair we start chatting with the owner of the antique store a bit.  I ask him if he ever gets vintage ice cream stuff, like signs, or machines, or scoops...etc, and if he does could he call me.  He takes my name and number and he starts asking me a bit about my interest in ice cream, so I briefly tell him the story about the potential of buying an ice cream place.  What I didn't notice was that he was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of a small, local ice cream shop.  Come to find out he's the owner a small shop up the street. 

We then set about having a great conversation about the industry, and equipment, and the potential for working hard and living a good life.  Was it another sign??  Maybe.  I was so exicted and so upbeat, the feeling of loosing the other job earlier in the day was just a bad memory.

So my moods go from feeling like I've been fired to trying to open up my own business.

In talking with L about this today I told her that I'm afraid to go after this dream.  What if it doesn't happen?  What if I get their financials and it just won't work for us?  What if I can't get financing? What if....????

She said people who live great lives, go for it!

It's not that I don't want to share either of them, or myself.  I've been trying to figure out what's going on with me and couple's counseling. 

I was thinking last night (instead of sleeping) that maybe it has to do with me not knowing who to align myself to.  But I don't know what that means.  Here I am with two people who care very much about me, and that should be comforting, but instead it gives me some sort of anxiety.

However, I have to admit that after the two sessions we've had I have certainly felt better, closer to M. Because of our schedules, the two sessions were spread out over a month's time and during the time I've felt we've been doing this marriage-thing better, especially as it relates to raising our daughter.  That's where alot of our issues/disagreements come from, we both have different styles/approaches and we want to be more united.

Maybe I need to give it more time.  I'm hoping also that by talking about it with both L and M that some of my anxieties will be eased.  Or maybe I just need to take an Ativan before our session??