I guess we all make a subconscious decision about how we retreat, about how we take care of our selves, about how we survive. For me the only 'power' I had was to not talk. I could soothe myself by turning inward, but I also knew I was lashing out by not saying anything. I hate that it always goes back to my parents, in particular my mother, but my inability to express myself and my feelings was my shield of armor against her. You see for her, my withdrawal drove her crazy; it frustrated the hell out of her. And that my friends is something I totally relished!
But now instead of a shield it's more of a scar, or maybe a wound, I think. You see my modus operandi keeps me frustrated, probably like the way I frustrated my mother(can you say 'what comes around goes around'???) Part of my constant push-pull, especially with L has to do with me giving up my imagined power. I've been thinking about this the past couple of days, and it caused me to send this text to her:
Me: Wishing I could talk to you right now. No particular reason I guess, just feeling blah, in need of a pick-me-up. It will probably be gone by tomorrow morning and I'll be my usual distant self. Oh, and I deny sending this too.
L: You can call me now or any time today. But if it doesn't work for you I hope you are still in the mood to talk tomorrow. I am interested in your thoughts, so talk to me.
Me: Thanks, I'm ok, just tired. I can't make any promises about tomorrow, but it helps to know you're still there.
I'm so much braver via text. I could never say in person even half the things I text her. And seriously, what more would L have to do for me to trust her and believe her, and to give up this false perception of power? Actually, I think I now realize it's not her who has to change.....