Because I was traveling this week my T session was last night at 7:00pm instead of my usual Wednesday at 7:30am, so I haven't had much time to process/ruminate what we talked about, but I also think I'm avoiding it as well. Please take heed that what follows may not make any sense, but I'm working on it!
Am I mad at her? I don't know. Am I just using being mad at her so I don't have to think about other things? She did what I asked, what I needed, but I also felt criticized or maybe judged. That's what I'm afraid of feeling too if I bring M in. What if L finds out that I really am a self-centered ass. That all I'm concerned about is how I feel. That my reactions and expectations are selfish.
I felt a little lost and confused, like she was going down a path that I wasn't aware of. At times it seemed like she was trying to push my buttons too, like she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I also didn't like the assumptions or the conclusions that she was making based on the little information I was giving her. So was that real or was she trying to make a point? Was she playing a game of 'Based on what you've told me, this is how I see it....' in order to get me to give more detail? So confused for most of the session.
And it went by so fast. I honestly thought she ending the session early, but when I got to my car and looked at the clock, we had gone 25 minutes over. I was there for nearly 2 hours. That helped dilute my anger towards her.
I think she was playing me a bit, not so much in a bad way, and maybe manipulative is too strong, but I did ask her at one point was she trying to push my buttons to get a rise out of me. Maybe that's too harsh as well, but I do feel like she was trying to come in through the back door instead of coming at me straight.
At the end she sort of took the blame, or the ownership for directing the session in such a way. But I felt like I failed therapy today. During her lite-apology, she said that I'm probably not ready to get that deep. So for me it was like she took the blame for not realizing my inadequacies.
I also wonder if I'm now focusing more on the exchange with L and not the content of the discussion. Is it keeping me distracted so I don't have to deal with M?
I hope I can contain this for a while. I need a slow leak, not a full blown explosion.....or implosion.