Monday, June 27, 2011

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste....

We went on a mini-vacation over the past few days.  And I can't believe it, but I even had a pretty good time! I think the key is to set your expectations low!  M's older sister was turning 65 so she rented a place in South Carolina, Edisto Beach.  The 3 of us flew, and we met up with M's sister, two nieces, and their families.

As were were standing in line yesterday morning at the airport I saw this woman who looked so much like L.  Obviously it wasn't, but I couldn't help staring at her.  It got me wondering, do other people 'look' for their t's in crowds?

With C, who was my first t many, many years ago, I would always look for her in crowds.  In fact, I still do today, although it's not as bad as it used to me.  I wonder what the appeal is.

Last year for our anniversary my partner surprised me with a quick weekend away (sans child!!!) and tickets to go see James Taylor and Carol King.  Talk about checking off something on your bucket list!!  I was so excited. I had never seen either of them in concert, and now to see them together was a great surprise!

We were having a great time that weekend, including some great spa treatments.  I was totally not thinking of C (ex-T), or L  at all, but apparently transference never rests!  While we were waiting for the show to start, and talking to a woman in front of us with a pristine copy of her Tapestry album, I started playing my favorite pastime of people watching.  Maybe I was subconsciously looking, but to the left of us, about 100 feet away was a woman who I was convinced was L, and she was sitting with a guy, who I was convinced was her (ugh) boyfriend!

So some more weird transference stuff with L is that she is a widow, her husband died in a car crash about 7 years ago, and the thought of her having a boyfriend is very upsetting to me.  Not sure why, but I prefer to always look at her as the grieving widow.  I suppose I'll save that for another post.....

Anyway while getting all worked up staring at this woman and her male companion (definitely her brother, not boyfriend!) what happened next just sent me in a whirlwind that lasted the rest of the weekend. 

C, my ex-T-who-ripped-my-heart-out-and-crushed-me, was petite, Jewish, from New York, and had dirty blond hair.  Guess who I also just described???  Carol King!!!  Totally freaked me out.  Although I enjoyed the show immensely, I was thrust into all-consuming mind-fuck (sorry for the language!). 
Here's what I wrote in my journal:

June 13, 2010
So how do I describe what was going on for me from Friday until now?  Do I even bother?  Friday morning I was kind of a nut (see above entry), by Friday afternoon I had done some self talk stuff and was able to get myself into a good place.  I was good Friday, Saturday morning, afternoon, and then something happened at the concert and I snapped.  I was trying to hold it together during the concert, and I did for the most part.  I really, really enjoyed the concert, it truly was magically.  But then I was also preoccupied with that woman who looked liked, or at least reminded me a lot of L, and then Carol King, with her looks and her warmth reminded me of C.  I was in transference hell.  I couldn’t sleep all night I just kept thinking about L and C.   And this morning while starting to get ready to leave the hotel I started to have an anxiety attack, all I wanted to do was call L.  I didn’t, but I did listen to the voice mail she left me the other day.  It was sort of helpful.  She’s so supportive, but then it was also the message about insurance/money/having other clients.  In my head I know one thing, but emotionally I’m a child.  Is the problem, emotionally I never grew up?  I never progressed out of stages? 
The whole time during the concert and then after that and then while being up all night, my mind wouldn’t stop.  My desire to see C was intensified while watching Carol King.  Every time she smiled, her warmth would show through and I’d just think of C and wanting to connect with her. My mind was so gone last night, and now I’m just sad, depressed, and a bit anxious.

It certainly made for an interesting evening! 


  1. Totally. I always look around me and search out (not that hard) people who look like my T. There is a woman at work who even though doesn't look physically like my T, asks and carries herself the same way my T does, and I feel sort of an attachment to her too.

    Sometimes it's just strangers at the mall or cinema. Sometimes I think it's her, but it's not at all...but I can't help staring...and sometimes even pretending it is.

    I have run into my T (actually did) before, a couple times. That freaked me right out. One time I was grocery shopping, and I left my cart and fled!!

  2. Thanks PB. It's so strange the tricks our mind can play. Even though I know it's not her, I think I keep staring in hopes that this stranger will somehow morph into L!

  3. I'm so struck by your posts. I can relate to so many of your experiences around your feelings for your T. (at least when I was still seeing mine).

  4. It's funny PB, but I'm often struck by your posts. The experience/feelings that you have about your ex-T seem very similar to my own. The pain that you write of is so familar to me. Sometimes I just wish I could reach out to you and help you hang on as you try and get through it all.
    Please try and go easy on yourself.

  5. I sometimes think of my T when I'm in a crowd, but I doubt I'd even notice if she was there and not just cuz she's only about 5 ft tall. I just tend to avoid looking at people's faces. I doubt I would even notice family members in a crowd, I'm not oblivious.