Saturday, June 18, 2011

Oddly enough I haven't ruminated too much about therapy this week.  So the drive or overwhelming need/want/desire to blog about it hasn't been there.  Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Things went well with T on Wednesday.  I was a bit nervous, but I talked.  Which for me is always huge. 

When I first started to see L, about a year and a half ago, the sessions were the typical 50-60 minutes.  Although there were many, many times we would go to at least 90 minutes, and a couple of intense sessions that I think went 2 hours. 

Most people who know me wouldn't categorize me as shy, but when I'm one-on-one with someone I have a very hard time talking.  One of my biggest fears is being alone with someone.  So with L, my sessions would start out somewhat slow, and she would keep the topics fairly lite, until I became more comfortable.  After figuring this out, probably about 4 months into my therapy, we changed the sessions to be officially 90 minutes, and that really has been helpful for me.  In fact, I can't see how 50 minutes would be beneficial for anyone.  You just get started, and it's time to go!

Anyway, as I had posted in my previous entry, I really wanted to be 'authentic' with her today, or as authentic as I could be!  At some point I was able to make reference to the 'not talking = power' for me.  Honestly I had thought we had talked about this before, but maybe not, so we discussed it for a while.  Although that dynamic happens a bit with my partner, to me it's even more apparent with L.  With my partner M I will shutdown when I'm hurt, or upset, or angry, but with L I get to a point when I'm hurt, or upset, or angry, where I weigh my words.  Where I convince myself not to say anything to her.  I actually go back-and-forth in my head and it typically ends with me 'keeping my power' and not telling her anything.  She told me that most people don't go through this thought process.  That surprised me.

We talked about dreams too.  I forget how we got to this topic but I told her that I think some dreams, even if they're a bit weird, do relate to what's going on in my head and in my life.  But I said that I didn't think this was always true, that sometimes dreams really didn't mean anything at all.  She disagreed and said that she thinks that dreams really do reflect past, present, and future.  And it really is your subconscious at work.  I'm not sure I totally agree with her, but she certainly a couple of compelling stories that backed up her theory.

As a kid I was quite a tomboy, and I guess I am now too, and I've always LOVED baseball.  Part of it has to do with growing up in the Northeast part of the US where rivalries run deep!  As a little girl, when rules were changed to allow girls to officially play baseball with boys, I was the first girl to play for my city.  So this probably why , the dream that I continue to have since a little girl has to do with baseball.  In my dream I am up at bat and hit the ball, but  I'm unable to run.  I am just stuck.  I try with all my might to move, even crawl, but I can't.  I tell this to L and she thinks it has something to do with my life long ability to just be myself, to be who I want to be. 
Overall it was a good session, I didn't fight myself over what I can and can't tell her.......we'll see how long this lasts.

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