Is the love-hate, push-pull all transference? I know everything isn't black-or-white, I hate that things aren't that clear, but I accept it! But for the most part I can weed through the gray and figure out where I stand or how I want to go forward. So for the things I can't, does that mean the big T is at work?
As usual, one minute I can feel very warmly towards L and then the next minute I can question her intension, and even her integrity. I have a childhood fear of being 'tricked' and that's always present. I don't know why it's there, but it is.
I also have a fear of talking. Like if I talk too much I give up power and that's a bad, bad thing.
My text between L the other day:
Me: Trying to figure out what to do with last nights crap. Trying to keep it contained but I'm having trouble making sense of it. Not sure how to be with M right now. Also it's like you were different with me, I feel lie I failed and I feel like you were not upfront. But I'm also trying to see my role in it. I guess I'm telling you this just to tell you. I guess there's more but I'm brave via text so I don't want to abuse it.
L: It will all come together still needs sorting out you failed nothing it will become clear and a direction will be chosen that will make sense and be easy like I said last night starting is the hard part.
Unfortunately this exchange didn't help at all. I continue to wonder if I fight it/her so I don't have to deal with other things.