I see L in less than 2 hours and I'm nervous and hoping I can do this. Hoping I can be myself, say what I'm thinking, express what I'm feeling. Even if it's not perfect, even if it's not clear, even when I tell myself not to.
I think that's what I want, but the pit-of-my-stomach seems to have other ideas. It all feels too much.
I described it once to her as a 'craving'. Because of who she is she took 'craving' to mean a good thing, which totally floored me. I can't imagine any situation where craving would be perceived in a good way.
Sometimes I wonder if she's just wearing her therapist's-hat when she's all supportive of me and validating my feelings, or if she truly believes the crap she says to me.....the constant fear of being tricked.