Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Pre-t Ramblings

I see L in less than 2 hours and I'm nervous and hoping I can do this.  Hoping I can be myself, say what I'm thinking, express what I'm feeling.  Even if it's not perfect, even if it's not clear, even when I tell myself not to.

I think.

I think that's what I want, but the pit-of-my-stomach seems to have other ideas. It all feels too much. 

I described it once to her as a 'craving'.  Because of who she is she took 'craving' to mean a good thing, which totally floored me.  I can't imagine any situation where craving would be perceived in a good way. 

Sometimes I wonder if she's just wearing her therapist's-hat when she's all supportive of me and validating my feelings, or if she truly believes the crap she says to me.....the constant fear of being tricked.


  1. I hope you were able to express what you wanted to express today. I go through a similar struggle. Maybe the T thinks craving is good because it means you are attached and invested in the relationship? Isn't it nice to have something validated that you were experiencing as 'bad'? I'd think that would be a good feeling.

  2. You're right Ellen, she is trying to get me to see 'craving' as a good thing, and it has sort of helped me. I beat myself up less about it, but I guess I would prefer to be able to control my cravings.